We are all wired differently, yet with likenesses. Learning the love languages, a credit to Dr. Gary Chapman's work, is like an example I gave on Susan Swanson's talk show this week. For example, I speak English. I live on the West Coast and have never been to Mexico. I have Danish blood and have never been to Denmark. Although close to both of these places in different ways, if I were to visit either one, I would have difficulty understanding their needs and vice-versa. That could lead to trouble, couldn't it?
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     Say my husband and I were eating in a restaurant in Denmark. If another English speaking group were to walk in, what do you think I would do? I would quickly turn my head toward them, wouldn't you? Here's another example. My husband will get up and do dishes without being asked. I love and appreciate that so much. Acts of service make me feel loved with my crazy schedule. Years ago, when I used to get out the old lawn mower, I thought I was showing him love, too. But he, like most of our men, feels loved through physical touch. It is when I sit down on the couch and we hold hands and have our arms around each other, watching a football game, that he feels loved. My effort to mow the lawn was well meaning, but it missed the mark. Just as if he had given me a gift, it would have been less meaningful than the time he gave doing dishes. Such is the benefit of understanding not only your spouse's and children's love languages, but also their personality types.
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     One aspect of stepfamily management plan that is so enjoyable, is increasing your understanding of these two areas which are so frequently overlooked. Yet, they are vital to the creating satisfying relationships. When you find you are ready, come plan with us! "We'll be your Alice."
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     Giving credit today to Dr. Gary Chapman and Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. At the station where I conducted the experiential run of Stepfamily Straight Talk, NewDayTalkRadio.com, Susan’s live talk show "On Step" can also be heard every Tuesday at 11:00 a.m. PST. This past Tuesday I drew a blank while we were on the air. I could not remember the name of a course my husband and I purchased in the 1990s where we first learned about speaking love languages. After scouring my resources, I have it for you. The first, by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo is Reaching the Heart of Your Teen. Their website is http://www.gfi.org/. The five love languages are defined by Dr. Gary Chapman. I looked him up today and found this website for you. It is http://www.fivelovelanguages.com.
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Did you know the saying, “The handwriting’s on the wall” originated from the Biblical book of Daniel? People from all sorts of backgrounds use the saying. While these two websites are both faith-based resources, there are still wonderful insights to be gleaned from their material you won’t want to miss.           

          Love languages? Yes. Personality types? Yes. Identifying the personalities and love languages that are at play in your household can turn heads toward you as quickly the exclamation, "Fire!" These are considerations made in stepfamily assimilation planning which is the link between "I do" and  "Always and forever" or "I don't anymore!"

          Arm yourselves with information! Broaden your understanding of what challenges stepfamilies can face before you are in the midst of a crisis. Exploring all the positions of family members is proactive. What do stepchildren, stepmoms and stepfathers feel? How might a biological parent feel when the kids go to the other parent's home? If you have insights on what others could feel, it will help you choose your responses rather than relying on reaction. Self-educating and stepfamily assimilation or remarriage planning takes as much or as little time as you want to put into it and the benefits are far reaching.

          The variables at play in stepfamilies are as numerous as the people that comprise the family's re-grouping. Simply recognizing the unspoken can change a family's outcome. You must be committed to doing your best; it makes living with the results possible.

          It was a pleasure to be Susan's guest this morning. You can reach her online through her website listed in our Resource Directory.

~ Tricia,
Stepfamily Strategist - Mediator
Lifetime stepfamily member

     Our 25th wedding anniversary is in January 2010. Looking back, what would I share with new stepfamilies?
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     Well, where did today go? I said my answer would be up today, so here it is:
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          If you start out well, work diligently with each other to keep it running smoothly. A good relationship between all the parents is the best trouble-prevention where the kids are concerned. Keep communication open and honest, and with the children's age appropriateness in mind.
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          Create a clear plan of action for your stepfamily lives and your co-parenting efforts. Decide ahead of time who will oversee punishment and rewards as well as who will attend school functions and extra-curricular activities. Between adults there are ex-spouses, but there are not ex-parents in the hearts of children.      
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          Keep your couple relationship strong and present yourselves as a "unit", a united front to the children. Date often (in-homes dates are fine!) and keep the romance alive! The best gift you can give your children is a solid relationship they can count on. Besides, children learn from and llike seeing their parents loving behavior toward each other.
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          Seek the help of a therapist, mediator or stepfamily coach as needed. No shame in getting help, but denying it when it is necessary casts a shadow on level of commitment to the well-being of your children.
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          Listen to your self-talk! Capture your mind's thought life if it is leading you down a road of negativity.
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          Create plenty of positive, shared, family memories to serve as a foundation for later.
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          Identify the systems that are at work in and between households. Measure satisfaction and make adjustments as needed.
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          Keep a journal and let it do the talking for you if you end up in court or if your children decide to know the facts for themselves. Of course, you will want to live in such a manner you will be pleased to open up that journal.
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          Have a blessed future,

~ Tricia.



 

Happy people who have discovered their own power over their own lives do not look for ways to make others unhappy. There is truth to the saying, "Hurting people hurt others." True love will not ignore the pain of another. It will seek to make it better, even if it is uncomfortable. That's what love does - it puts others before itself; mature love is other's minded. If there is no desire for restoration, is self in the way on center stage or does love exist?

We hurt for all sorts of reasons. Feeling let down, angry, frustrated, betrayed, and the list can go on. Pain is not always the result of loud actions or words. No, pain can result from silence. Silence is not always peaceful; it can be a war strategy and tool of pain.

Is the hurt brought on by one's own choices? Is the hurt the result of consequences? Is the hurt lingering because something has been left purposefully unresolved for some reason, such a fear or a lack of courage? Is it the result of being the target of someone's actions? if yes, before you remain angry, what was the motive behind the action? We can do wrong things with good motives and we can do good things with wrong motives.

What common interest can be found to motivate you to work together? A glimpse into the future of your hurting child who ends up abusing alcohol or drugs to escape the bitterness of his parents? The unwed mother who wants a baby to fill the love gap created by her bickering parents? The suicide of the one who feels everything is useless and hopeless?

If you have unresolved issues, seek to resolve them, with a family therapist or mediator if needed. The fruits of restoration are sweet. If you need ideas, write to StraightTalk@StepfamilySystems.com

First, you might need a little coffee and a potty break while reading this one. Praise to the former and current wives who choose to put hard feelings behind instead of gripping bitterness. Now, if there are misstatements (lies) of the past hurting the present, first people need to be living by age-appropriate facts rather than stories - so, there is work to do.
 
Did you know there is a growing volume of material about stepmoms (SM) feeling driven to bite the "wicked" hook-line? They can't do anything right. They can't say anything wrong and receive the same forgiveness as bio-mom (BM). They must be good all the time or they feel they are labeled all bad. Yes, it is coming more to the surface how much the former wife can subtly manipulate and bully the new wife.

Wednesday Martin, the author of Stepmonster, has written a book both mothers should read. There is another book, No One's the Bitch, which addresses the cooperation needed between these mothers (which I have not personally read). The authors are going to be on the Dr. Phil show.  In 1991 I read The Wife-in-law Trap, by Ann Crytser. There are blogs and chats that will enhance your understanding of each other's viewpoint. For this broader understanding to produce its best result, usually both mothers need to do some work.

So, let's start here. Women, our emotions are usually on the front-lines and we have to look through them to see everything else. Or, for some reason, wherever we go, there is no-less than a  cosmetic-size case of hurts we carry with us. Okay, some of us carry duffel-bags, but what are we thinking? Some of us don't know how to deal with our lives apart from chaos, often times. Yes, we need to get a different mindset working, but do you feel like the Tin Man - stuck? Sort of like our kids switch their iPod songs from mellow to scream and back to mellow again, we have to realize we each some control in the situation. Figuring it out is not always easy; I know.

We are touchy-feely creatures. When it comes to our children, especially, the hair does not only stand on the back of our necks, it gets gelled into place! Our emotions frequently direct us, but I can testify that is not a dependable mode of operation. While I have been involved with stepfamily success strategies for many years, I have been in the trenches with you. This leads me to the first tip: realize that if the other household doesn't want peace, you probably are not going to have it between the households. Sorry. However, you can have a peaceful household where you live.

You might be desperate to unite the households under your roof, as well as outside in the shared space. I had an epiphany this morning about where I have made my poor judgment year after year. My husband's former wife, who I refer to from time to time as Mary, only talks to me when it serves her purpose. I do not matter to her, even though I have loved and cared her children for 24 years. Oh, not perfectly well, either - mind you, but I am quick to own my choices. I think I am the only one with "I'm sorry" in my vocabulary. (Ouch, I feel some bitterness being tossed on my plate. Let's move on. I don't want it.) But, being the flame of hope, I would think, Great, we can finally share loving the kids together and make it easier on them for family gatherings.

Well, the shared space is not fully in your control, so you have to think realistically. In reality, I may have grown more desperate for success between us because of my work with stepfamilies. I thought I had to achieve "being on friendly terms" or else believe her words telling me I had no business working with stepfamilies. Well, neither was right. I am sure she was afraid of this very thing: my sharing as to why I understand the struggles from a personal journey. I was born into a stepfamily that failed. Later, at age five, I was adopted by a successfully blended stepfamily, then I married and became a stepmother and mom. 

Out of love for my family, I will never use Mary's real name. Our greatest pain is unresolved issues. But, I can't bring everyone together for a once for all to clear the air. Why do children on a playground go into the bushes? They have either done wrong or have something to hide. They are in the bushes because they are afraid of consequences. On the other hand, some hide because someone is hunting them down. Mary probably feels I have been hunting her when really, I want to free us all and get us on a fair platform.

What is your situation? No one really knows unless there has been open and honest communication in an open environment with all parties present. If you need some help from a therapist, attorney, mediator or coach get it! Once things are resolved, they are disarmed and no longer able to harm the family grouping.

Years later, many grown-children are still heavily influenced by their mothers. Many grew up under Parental Alienation Syndrome (see our Satisfaction Survey) and will have difficulty knowing anything different from that influence, no matter what you do or don't do. For mother's need to win, she creates loss in her children's lives. Fathers do this, too, but we are speaking about moms who can also be especially gifted at playing victim or subtly pushing stepmom's and dad's buttons for the alliance of their children. Anyone listening?

When it comes to our children, we mama bears can be fierce! If we would allow our "issues" to be adequately resolved, everyone would be on the same playing field, and everything would be so much easier. Now remember, I am talking about reasonable people. There are exceptions to everything. A divorce throws us off balance.  Seeing our former mate with someone new shakes our ground when we have not completed the emotional aspects of the break up. If seeing a therapist is needed to round the corner of bitterness into cooperation, find one! We'll be your Alice and get some names for you to vet. 

Let me ask you this. If your former spouse and his new wife were co-workers at the office, how would differences be resolved? Over-simplifying a bit here, but think about that for a minute. You can shift your perspective. As a mediator, I concentrate in interests, not positions. We all have a position, but we do not all share the same interests. Once you can vacate your positions, you can each take a stand closer to the children - who are your common interests, right?

So much of success is going to depend on the quality of communication between the two women and the degree of engagement from the father. Let me say that again. so much of success is going to depend on the quality of communication between the two women and the degree of engagement from the father. It seems that as stepmom steps up, many dads step down some. But BMs want dads involved not the other woman. Honestly, there needs to be a partnership here because usually the women do the activities planning for their respective households. What happens at work when you will not be a team player? Either the entire team will lose or you will get kicked off the team. I don't think either result is desired for your family outcome - is it? 

When communication is cut-off, unverified assumptions and the inability to clarify thinking can drive us to more wrong conclusions. Silence leads people to operate on suspicions and assumptions instead of facts. That is not a good effort if you are looking for good results. Now if you do not want a good result, don't communicate, but your children and future grandchildren pay the price. Hence, silence is not always peaceful, it is also war strategy.

If you can't discuss things verbally, try a communication journal. Fact is, you may never elicit the cooperation of the children's mom for reasons only she knows. It might be her way of exercising control in a situation that makes her fearful for some reason, or maybe she feels powerful knowing you are at the mercy of her cooperation. On the other hand, you might have a verbally abusive woman revealing her anger, insecurities or fear with language that would make an indecent rapper sound acceptable.

Do your best and you can live with the results, and you will always able to tell the children when they ask, that you truly did your best and you can lay out your facts if you are given the opportunity. Even when you do lay out the facts, they might not apply their listening because, for some reason, they prefer things the way they are. It takes work to bring change. Some people don't want to do the work. Imagine how you would feel if you had allowed the children to believe stories skewed to your favor which cost them a relationship with their father and their siblings through his remarriage. Chances are if you allowed that to occur, you would not want to come to the communication table either.

25 years into our marriage I am still realizing things I recognize in others are true of my life, too. We just aren't always quick to see it in ourselves. This leads me to the next tip: be real about who you are on the inside, not about what you are doing. We can do good things with wrong motives and we can do bad things with good motives. My peace and hope for restoration comes from this point alone: God knows the heart of each person in my stepfamily and extended stepfamily. He sees the hearts of everyone all at once and is well able to get us where we need to be in order to give Him glory.

After finally going to sleep after my 22 year-old daughter got home at 2:07 this morning, I got my tired fanny out of bed acknowledging my weakness to God, vowing to do better at not pushing the issue that we need to come together. I hope I finally have come to accept my version of what our stepfamily should have been by now, and everyone else's will not mesh. I was heart broken, then I found a sticky note on the coffee carafe, "FRESH COFFEE! Have a great day. Love you." Not only is pleasing God my motivation to be real and honest with you, but I have a special man in my life and a family I want desperately to see healed.

Start by making little changes in your self-talk and response habits. Self-educate and find a step-mom support venue to feel less alone. BUT, I always caution, do not assume other people's problems as your own. No need to borrow assumed trouble.

Recognize what is in your control and what is not then surrender to it. Sounds simple, but I know better. In some cases, the best success you will be able to give the children will be keeping your marriage in tact and thwart putting your own children through a divorce. Give them a home they know will always be there. That will speak for itself in the years to come. Want more? Check out the service-based products that are available. Focusing on the systems and not on each other might be the ticket to cooperation.

This has been edited for the love of my now-grown children-in-step: aka- stepkids.

     I do not know when things will visibly change for the families. All I know is that we are choosing to love when it appears there is no love in return. Call us silly. Call us dreamers, but we know we have faith that overcomes the world because, in our faith, Jesus lives. We still believe they will want restoration, too, some day.  We'll be here.

     
    

Removed for editing, then lost before saving. I am terrible with technology!  10-19-09: I have learned to be more guarded regarding my own family's experience. While I wish to be genuine, I will be more general. Even though I had changed my husband's former wife's name, she and the children were at risk of having hurt feelings. Hence, I wil not recreate this post.   

     Many shared-custody households experience their greatest stress between September and January with the additional transitions of the children and extra contact with many uncooperative parents for Back-to-School events, Fall activities, Thanksgiving and December's holidays. Many feel added financial pressure to meet the expectations for the purchase of Christmas gifts, etc. Is that the highest value of the holiday?

     Start now to reduce the chance for arguing later. Find lay-away plans, work within a budget and look at your calendar to note pick-up and drop-off dates and times - and stick to it. There is extra traffic, so leave early enough to arrive ahead of schedule instead of late. If you have to stop for coffee to kill an hour, it will help you mentally prepare for a smooth transition. Everyone has plans they would like to keep. If you receive one of those calls, remember, shared-holidays are a part of parenting from two-households. Many families have three households to consider. 

     Planning will reduce the chaos. If you are running late, give a courtesy call. If you receive a call, take it without complaining. These days will surely pass. The children will not be young forever and the efforts you make today are laying the foundation for tomorrow's experience. Make it enjoyable as much as it depends on you. If you are not getting along with the other parent right now, gain coping-skill insights from a therapist, book, blog or on-line newsletter; there is a lot of free support available. There are strategies in Stepfamily Assimilation Planning. 

     Trust me, 25 years into being a stepmom (in the same family-in-step), I understand challenges. But I also know the fruit of hanging on when hope appears to be gone. Having grown up in my situation, I understand how it hurts our children to thrust loyalty conflicts upon them. The only household you can control is your own. Make it last. Make it strong. Make it enjoyable. Make it a place they enjoy visiting and they will come when grown if there has not been excessive damage while they are growing up. If PAS has been at play, it can be more difficult. If things are not as you hope, leave the door for healing open and pray. Time changes people - you and your former spouse, significant others, new spouses, and the children's understanding of circumstances as they mature.

     So, go on now! Plan to enjoy the holiday. You might have tight finances, but your heart has deep pockets of love; hence, you always have something to give your children that many others around the world lack. Record your plan on paper, too. Make memories, even in trying times. In 2006, when we were in career transtitions, we did not purchase a Christmas Tree. Instead, our 15 year old son drew one which we taped to the wall! It was perfect. Use the past to sow a bountiful future in your heart.

~ Tricia
     

     

            

As my course in Philanthropy approaches its end, the picture has been made clear about the responsibilities that are ahead for Stepfamily Straight Talk Foundation in serving its families and working with its future donors. I am up to the task, however, as I am passionate about bringing free support to the Internet, and networking with parent groups and other family organizations around the country. It is important for adults leading stepfamilies get the support desired so that their children can continue to perform academically as well as possible during their household transitions. Their grades and sense of accomplishment are laying the foundation for future achievements. Furthermore, reducing stepfamily or shared-parenting stress will decrease the risk of child abuse.

I remember well, my own distractions as my parents-by-adoption and I wrestled with my birth-mother and sisters re-entering my life. The torn love loyalties I felt my thoughts go right out the door of class each time we had an argument before school started. And again, I witnessed the distracted performance of my stepchildren, when my husband and I visited their teachers. Getting the schools to send report cards and updates to both parents was nearly impossible then.

I look forward to the opportunity to supply print and live resources to educators and parents. The first meeting for prospective Stepfamily Straight Talk Foundation Board members is on October 26, 6:00 p.m., in the Board Room of the Riverside YWCA.

          It isour goal to bring you ACES: Stepfamily Focal Points, through Stepfamily Straight Talk beginning the second Saturday of January and run through February 13. You will want to have the CORE package (less costly than the customized products) for the series. At least bring a notebook and pens to your desk when you sign on to the NDTR website for the show. I wish you the best results as you save time and money by logging on and calling in for the series. The comment and question line is 951-715-6722.

         
          Some Christians use the misuse the phrase "covered by the blood" as a means of not dealing with difficult things. It is true, the blood of Christ covers our sins. However, there is a principle in the Bible called restitution. Very clearly, we are to make up for what we have broken, lost or destroyed so far as we are able. Saying it is covered by the blood of Christ and walking away leaves seeds of destruction alive. 

          Adults leading Braided families have a double edged sword with which to contend. They have both the spiritual advantage over non-believers to experience restoration, and quite possibly an extra dose of guilt for falling short of what they believe to be God's expectations for Christian living, which the adversary will use to bruise and battle against their spiritual freedom.

          Don't give up. Stay in the word. Seek pastoral help. Consider a faith-based, psyhcological counselor for individual, marriage and family therapy. If you can't get the other household to agree, go without them and find healing and freedom that is yours in Christ and in as much as it is up to you to do your part. Do your best and leave the results with Him.

          Neil T. Anderson's Victory Over Darkness and The Bondage Breaker could be beneficial reading for you; explore the possibility. Do what you can, don't stress over what you cannot and try to see the difference between the two.

~ Tricia