Reminder:

A Richter Blend will have characters for anyone who has been or is a stepchild, divorced, single parent, remarried with children - biological and step relationships and extended family connections. Story lines willl include all the frequently discussed trials and we will also go into less frequented topics such as Divorce-related Malicious Mother Syndrome, Parental Alienation Syndrome, physical/emotional/sexual abuse and adoption.  Any other requested storylines should be sent to:  CustomerCare@StepfamilySystems.com with "Richter Blend" in the subject box so it does not get deleted in junk mail.

It's your corner: We are offering real insights and tips to consider for application between episodes from the Stepfamily Strategy Team of professionals who are dedicated to supporting families-in-step. Nowhere else can you go for a monthly investment of $8 and get so much while also giving to others. 5% of subscriptions go toward helping others acquire services or purchase support books from the support resource list. No, we do not earn kick backs for this arrangement.

We enjoy bringing you network support because it would be short-sighted to think we could be everything to all people. Our core service, Stepfamily Assimilation Planning, helps families blend faster with fewer problems and co-parent more effectively where reasonable adults are invloved in the parenting process.

Wishing you the best result as you do your part to succeed. When you have done your best you can live peacefully with the result.

~Tricia Powe
Pres. - Mediator, StepfamilySystems.com
Creative Director, A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles.

     The trailer for A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles is complete and will post in December 4! Each episode will be the equivalent of only four to six pages. This will give those following the series time to consider the tips and insights the Stepfamily Strategy Team members provide at the end of each episode. As it progresses, there will be more characters introduced and your chances of meeting characters you relate to will increase. We will open January with episodes posting on the 4th and 20th. You won't want to miss a single show! We'll be your Alice.

          So, the big question seems to be, "How do we get unstuck? We can't get along with the other household. Now we are fighting, too."

          Now, I could answer that if both households were reasonable. If you have a household that is still not happy about a past which has resulted in today's strained relationships, well, I wonder why things are not resolved. Who is unwilling to come to the table? Why are they unwilling to come to the table? 

           Some people have real cause for concern. They fear physical and verbal abuse. They chose bad partners and gave their kids a difficult parent. When there are anger issues, drug or substance abuse concerns, you can still attempt do something to improve relationships through a coach, mediator or therapist, but you have to be wise and have appropriate counsel and guidance. If they are unreasonable, sorry; it might not ever get better for your children and grandchildren's benefit. Encourage your children to make choices that do not reflect what got everyone into your situation.

           Some people will not come to the table because they are immature. They lack coping skills of mature adults. They can't take the pressue of feeling wrong, so they blame eveyone else. They do not know how to take ownership of past choices that were less than family-centered. They don't think beyond the measure of how things impact their own lives, much like children.

          Some people are self-centered and angry. Like the immature person, others-mindedness is not a crown. They can't accept their children liking and loving the other parent or one they perceive to be a rival stepparent. Research has shown women to be more vicious than men in this area. (I will go back and find the sources for you, so come back!) How sad to deprive your children of love that would add quality and acceptance to their lives. Looking at it from the perspective that their love for someone else would reduce their love for you is not mature thinking. Perhaps you are less than proud of past choices and you are bitter about the other household making more sound decisions. You can change that perspective. Celebrate that both parents are not acting out at the same time. Determine that the past is what it is and move forward on solid ground, based on what it true. It is freeing to everyone.

          Many people do not like to express their emotions or share from the heart. They are fearful of the insecurity vulnerability brings. They might fear ridicule, you name it. Perhaps it relates to their own childhood. So, I suggest, you take care of that with a therapist - you have children whose futures depend on you now. 

          Some people have a past they don't want unearthed. Okay. It doesn't have to be brought up if it is no longer impacting today's relationships. If it is, that is a different story. If you ever hope to get anywhere that is not close to the fighting and stress of today, it needs to be dealt with so that it can be rendered powerless to continue hurting the family. You don't leave the fire under a pan, do you? You don't leave a string unraveling your clothes unattended do you? Many people use strife as a form of self-protection, they think Keeping the family at odds, keeps my secrets safe. They are avoiding facing their own ghosts in the closet.

          Here is a real life example of Divorce-related Malicious Mother Syndrome and Parental Alientation Sydrome. I met a woman about ten years ago who received a call from her stepmom saying her father was dying and he didn't have much time. He was sorry he had not been around much and was desperate to see his children and grandchildren. He was dying of cancer. As this woman, her brothers and sisters took turns at their father's bedside, what was days to live became weeks. Their presence became life to his broken heart. During those weeks of hospital bed discussions, they learnednew  details that cast a new light upon their parents' divorce. Alarming facts - some were completely at odds with what they had grown up believing. They realized, due to their mother's irrational thoughts and fears at the time, and her lack of courage to come forward with the truth down the road, that they had lost out on a precious relationship with their dad who had never stopped loving them and a stepmom who was not at fault as they had been allowed to believe all those lost years. 

          Therapists are so vital to the health of today's families. I say this because the former support systems of accessing the wisdom and guidance of generations nearby, or under the same roof, is not the norm anymore. We carry heavier plates with work orders and family needs than in generations before us. We commute two to four hours for our careers and our families are separated by cities and states. We need others. Our children need us. How available are we to them, really? Five minutes after dinner? Five minutes before bed? One day on the weekends?

          I implore you to begin today to choose what it takes to move forward. Create the relationships that will benefit your children and grandchildren, not harm them. While you might "win" as you hope, it might come at the cost of troubled children who act out sexually or through substance abuse, even suicide. Move from your "position" and toward shared-interests. I wish you the best of ourcomes. CustomerCare@StepfamilySystems.com  

          For those of the Christian faith, as a Braided Family, you have the overcoming strength of Christ. You are not walking alone, ever. Your thoughts might cause you feel separated or alone, but that is a dart straight from your soul's adversary. Upon receiving Christ, you were given the Holy Spirit as Comforter and Guide. God always knows where you are and the details of your circumstances. BraidedFamilies@StepfamilySystems.com

          I remember my mom giving me a kaleidescope when I was kid. Every year there would be new socks, Barbie underwear and Pez candy dispensers in my Christmas stocking as well as some "Santa" gifts I could hardly wait to see. Okay, when I was 12, I had to put my foot down and the Barbie underwear had to come to a stop! I wondered that year if my birth-mom was thinking of me, too. My heart's loyalties were split that year, more than ever. As we are only a couple weeks away from major holidays, the complexities of our relationships can give us kaleidescope vision. You know how they work if you have ever looked through a kaleidescope - a twist of the end and the pattern you first viewed changes. The loose, colored fragments can form an endless possibility of patterns - so it is in stepfamilies. One thing goes wrong, like the twist of the end of the kaleidescope, and what you feel is likely to stir up some feelings and change your vision.  

          There is nothing like school and family holidays to highlight the patterns in your remarried family life. You have stepfather families and stepmother families. Step it up a notch and you have complex stepfamilies where both adults have children from previous marriages. And, take a deep breath, you have the suprafamily system. Yep, that's the one the holidays bring to light. In Old Loyalties, New Ties (Visher & Visher, 1988) the disequilibrium of several households where children and adults have connections through the children is addressed when they speak about basic integrative tasks. I see it this way - instead of a simple two lane road representing dad's family and mom's family, you are looking at one of those multiple interchanges with the confusing transitional lanes when you are part of a stepfamily with young children. You know what I am talking about, don't you? It can stress the holidays and open the door to increased risk of fighting. Ah, but that ruins the width and depth of the meaning of Christmas at its best.

          I encourage you to do some work before the holidays to ensure they are as trouble-free as possible. Start now. Stepfamily Assimilation Planning is an essential tool for reducing chaos and increasing understanding and peace. It is my hope that you are among those visiting the resources on this website, subscribing to stepfamily newsletters made available, for example, by Susan Swanson and Shirley Dudley. When you are ready to showcase your certificate for accomplishing your stepfamily assimilation plan, we are only a click away! Start now on your holiday planning. You will be glad you did!  

    

          Clearly, just one of a few things that sets StepfamilySystems.com apart from a traditional stepfamily support option is our unique focus on Stepfamily Assimilation Planning. While we aspire to see 65% of clients beat the odds of subsequent divorce through our niche service, our hearts beat for the children that will become the beneficiaries of witnessing the healthy restructuring of their family lives. Not the least of the benefits is projected to be the improvements in their academic focus and hope for their futures. 

          The Handbook of Child Psychology, 6th Ed. Vol. 3, states, "Performance refers to self-regulation as the individual actually is doing the activity. What is crucial for the regulation of performance is focusing attention on the activity and monitoring how one is doing ... (Schunk and Ertmer, 2000)." Whether the activity is physical on the playground or academic in the classroom, the contributions of parents as volunteers in class or on the playground, as homework helpers and monitors to oversee task completion is vital to the future accomplishments children experience. Would you agree with this statement? Yet, divorce and remarriage can throw Kaleidescope changes to focus and vision.

          One of the most notable frustrations I have listened to through the years is falling academic achievement of children whose parents divorce and remarry under battleground circumstances.  StepfamilySystems.com is committed to partnering with adults who are parenting in remarried and separate households, and with educators to bring about change. We believe stepfamily assimilation planning can reduce the degree to which distractions which result in during a family's structural transition/s.

          Want to share your experience confidentially for our research? Send your story to ResearchResponse@StepfamilySystems.com. While you are visiting our website, we invite you to copy and paste the StepfamilySystems.com National Stepfamily Satisfaction Survey into a new Email and send it at your earliest convenience. We'll be your Alice.

         

     We all know the drawbacks and challenges to divorce and remarriage, but what benefits are there - really? 

     Once you have hiked through the stepfamily assimilation valleys and conquered the climb to the peak of success, what might that look like - really?

     There are many things to consider if you are planning to remarry and provide your children an adult who will have responsibilities for the children without the inherent love and acceptance children naturally show their biological parents. To get them through their low times, are you willing to give words of appreciation? Are you willing to notice small things that are good? It is easy to express a defense of our children and let the small efforts go unnoticed. These can be deal breakers. So, let's say you are willing to both notice the little things and express appreciation for the things they do that benefit your children's lives. What benefits are there to be had in stepfamily living other than you having the benefit of a new life mate?

     >> The financial and time investments in the children can be shared by caring adults who are child-centered in their new relationships.

     >> Many parents have shared their enjoyment of not having to pay for weekends of child care to have a weekend for "alone time" or to give their new marriage "couple time".

     >> A revised family circle of relationships can provide parents and children new alliances and friendships.

     >> After the destruction of their first family, children can gain renewed hope in the marital relationship.

     >> Children who have witnessed the fighting and felt constantly stressed in their home environment about their parents being hurt emotionally or physically, will feel less anxious once the new home experience reveals safety. 

     >> Children whose biological parents are strict might enjoy the freedom of being allowed to make more choices. Conversely, children whose biological parents are overwhelmed and not tuned into their kids' worlds, can feel secure in the new environment with boundaries that were lacking and the security awareness of their needs brings.

     >> Children whose parents provide "stuff" might enjoy the quality time a stay-home stepmother brings. 

     >> Children whose single moms were financially strapped can enjoy the increased opportunity for new clothes and extra activities.


     It will take you longer or permanently hinder experiencing these fruits of remarriage if you constantly war and battle, stuck in positions rather than meeting shared interests. You must make efforts to reconcile a hurtful past so the future has no emotional left-overs from the past to taint it. Hire the help of a coach, therapist or mediator experienced in the area of remarriage who is familiar with the inherent challenges of co-parenting from two households.

     Be willing to quickly look for the rewards and perks, strengths of bonuses that can be found in stepfamily life and less ready to pinpoint the shortcomings of those around you who are trying to make a go of it, too, is critical to your success. 

Braided Family Tip: Let it all flow out of supernatural love when you aren't feeling it; out of that supernatural love the rest falls into place - forgiveness, tolerance, restoration and increased faith that God is in control - for it is those who overcome that receive the prize. Overcoming means God is allowing you the challenges faced for a better end result. You can choose to be shaped, not broken.

        It is one of my greatest joys to point you to resources which might make your stepfamily journey a bit easier. Today's resource is just for stepmothers. It is well worth your time and effort to search is http://stepmothersmilk.com. While I was hosting Stepfamily Straight Talk, it was a pleasure to feature call-in guest Izzy Rose. She is the author of The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom. Her website was born from her own need to find insights and resources of support. The information you get is real and guilt-releasing.

        A second resource I hope you will look into is for men. By men and for men, www.Stepfathers.org"The Genius Solution for Stepdads" can provide valuable insights men want. 

        Now, when you find resources that have served you well, please let us know the source so that we can share it with other seekers of support.  We'll be your Alice.

       

          How many memory-maker locations can we find that are willing and able to provide you some family-centered fun? As you know from the home page, we believe creating shared, family memories is essential to stepfamily success.  Join us we  begin our letter writing campaign November 9, 2009 asking for their highest and best contribution of memory-making support to strengthen stepfamilies across the country! Creation of shared, family memories is a vital cornerstone of stepfamily success. I will note when they have responded and if they were able to offer any family getaways. 

Disneyland Resorts

Knott's Berry Farm

Six Flags

Miniature Golf Centers

Chuck E Cheese's

Las Vegas Resorts

Nashville Resorts

Family recreation centers/miniature golf parks

Please send me your requests!

Now, in the meantime, go make some homemade memories through board games, face painting, family movie night, backyard bug day and more! Do you have a memory-maker story to share?  CustomerCare@StepfamilySystems.com.

     Because I am in the trenches with you, I am offering a couple gifts for the holidays. It helps the winners while also getting the word out about the niche services found here! In January we will be awarding a family-in-step a personalized Stepfamily Assimilation Planning course and another family-in-step will receive our revised Family Selections Menus when they are finished; they will be getting facelifts in January from the Art Institute.

     By subscribing to the Stepfamily Focal Points Corner, you are helping other stepfamilies, too. As you might guess, there is a fair share of no-cost support provided. The Corner is being designed to give you anonymity to increase your comfort level there, it will provide insightful information from a variety of professionals and the through the Richter Blend, you will read what has worked and not worked for other families as the Richter Blend story unfolds. A fun and insightful support venue!

    Do you know someone from any resorts that can offer our families some memory-making packages? If you do, please have them contact Tricia Powe at TPowe@StepfamilySystems.com. Oh, if I were able to do it myself, I would bless a family every month with a cherished, memory-maker getaway!