I cannot tell you the number of times I have heard this through the years. Oh bother, especially with hormones in the house, look out for the train wreck approaching. But you see, if this is the case, the statement acknowledges that you know there is a problem so you can do something about it! Not realizing or acknowledging the rough seas is what sinks a ship, right? When you acknowledge the storm, you sail in a different manner, or at least that's the general idea. 

     Likewise, when you know there are problems adjustments have to be made, right? Many people expect the other person to make all the effort. Even if the other person is completely in the wrong, simple changes in your choices can make all the difference. Here is my question: what is most important to you? Being right or maintaining your marriage through modeling flexibility, compromise, unconditional love, perhaps? As always, if there are safety issues, seek additional assistance. Do not put yourself or your children in harms way. 

     The next time you are about to get into a argument with your stepdaughter, your gut will feel like it is eating its own lining, right? Come on now, you know what i am saying. This is your cue to exercise the power you have to respond or lead differently. Think about it.  If subtle and unexpected alterations are made in your choices are not enough, try communication journals. lay out the communication ground rules - stick to them - and when things go awry, communicate through the communication journal. There is more to say on this than I have time for here.

     The reason I like journaling is that it gives you time to have a release period before you talk. Sometimes reading what you have writtern helps enough to solve the situation. Remember, anger and frustration are secondary emotions. There is something under what you see propelling the steam you feel through hot words. Find that source and dissolve the anger.

Where our children are concerned, we all make mistakes. Be quick to apologize and accept apologies when they are offered, but do not expect them if any alienation has taken place. Also, realize what you are experiencing as a stepparent is the same as the biiological parents are facing. Try not to make everything about the relationship when it could just be the life stage.

     In January, we will be securing sponsors for a Stepfamily Couples Retreat tentatively scheduled for May 21 - May 23 at a Southern California location. If you are interested in participating, send a Reservation Request notice to CustomerCare@StepfamilySystems.com. If you are interested in being a sponsor, information is in the Service Shop.

     We hope you are enjoying the StepfamilySystems.com brand of unique stepfamily support through A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles and its follow up team. Wishing you a wonderful, memory-making New Year's celebration.

     Have you ever torn your homes files apart searching for a warranty or other document? Well, that is what I did last week. Can't find the poem I wrote in 1990 and presented at my first stepfamily assimilation management workshop called "The Child Watching" -- if anyone out there happens to have received a copy somewhere along the line at a presentation or workshop, please send it to me. In the meantime, I will search my garage, too.

     I had a sweet Christmas with our two youngest, grown-children and my in-laws. I packed up all the holiday decorations because the Crispytree was a fire hazard and one thing led to the next! Now, looking forward to January 1, 2010 and my 25th wedding anniversary. Sometimes I have to pinch myself...

    

      Because of where I have been, I am a more compassionate and insightful, yet firm, mediator/planner, smarter and wiser business owner. Diamonds result from surviving intense pressure: A high percentage of the Stepfamily Satisfaction and Parental Alienation Experience Surveys are indicating that many households are in the unrelenting grips of the financial vice. Many are simultaneously in the throws of troubled co-conducting where shared-parenting is concerned. That is a lot of pressure. How you choose to view the pressure is in your control - it stinks, but it does not have to ruin everything. I understand how a job loss impacts two households and increases the pressure on support paying households. Add some shared-parenting conflict, a lack of vision or having an effective family mangement plan in place to guide you, and is it any wonder second marriages have experienced a higher divorce rate? The creative support options found here can help you. They were not only born out of research and training, but also a lifetime of experience. 

     I am working on bringing some articles from financial planners, CPAs and attorneys to Stepfamily Focal Points Corner in February. Until I get that accomplished for you, I am going to be somewhat transparent here. My family and I have been in the valley of testing, consequence, challenge, bad luck, trial - or whatever you choose to call it, too. I am passionate about encouraging people to not give up too soon! How you reached the point you find yourself today, while it does matter, it matters less than how you are going to endure and what the end result looks like to you because your thought life takes you places.

     At 46, I am having the best time of my life, but not before having to endure and overcome some very difficult life seasons first. While I am completing a formal education, I most proudly possess a non-traditional education comprised of independent research since the late 1980s, and a plethora of certifications. These credentials were earned between some job transitions, ten residential moves, the loss of several family members, some never-resolved shared-parenting issues, graduations, and among other things, starting over after foreclosure. Do you think I "get it"? I do - usually!

     I understand life's challenges and the types of pressure a marriage can face. Using my mortgage planning experience and mediation certifications, I worked as a housing counselor for an agency that services the 995-HOPE hotline after we lost our home the day after Christmas 2007. Yes, the day after Christmas two years ago I was standing on the steps of the county courthouse listening to the auctioneer speak swiftly and unattached to the home where I had grieved the loss of four family members and had other celebrations of life. It is possible that bad choices - and we all make a few -  can meet and pair with circumstances out of your control, leaving you feeling you have no control over anything, compounding feelings of guilt, shame, fear of the unknown, confusion, frustration ... am I on the mark?

     Internal tensions rise when waves of pressure seem to lap over you, and over and over again. When you make choices with an end result in mind and something else is your reality, frustration and even anger can rear their ugly heads. Then the next credit collector calls, you receive a reminder of a past due utility, or your children have a school or sports function calling for a financial investment -- well, "You can't get blood out a turnip," I used to say. Then one bleep-word caller told me, "Then go collect bottles and cans lady, or call your parents." Hmmm, should I tell him? "I buried my parents not too long ago. Do you want me to dig them up and ask their bones if using our savings for mold remediation and flooring replacement was a good idea?" 

      Oh, my gosh!

      I was caught between a dying dad who was losing his favorite gal to Alzheimer's disease, and homeschooling our youngest two children so I could help my brothers who lived closer to our folks whenever I could. How do you give your children a sense of what is normal in childhood when everything is all but normal? My parents adopted me when I was five. They gave up retirement years to raise a little girl with a heart full of abandonment and betrayal issues. (Today, mind you, I am reconnected with my birth family and with additional sides of the story, my heart no longer trembles with those feelings.) My sweet mom's long good-bye was seven years of something I would never wish on anyone. Being the only daughter, dad would call me and ask me to bail him out, saying, "Trish, what are you doing. Are you busy? (I could hear the tears roll down his cheeks.) Your mom thinks I am a stranger trying to get her today. She locked herself in the bathroom and she is screaming. She is afraid of me. Can you talk to her?" His pleas for help were gut-wrenching. 

      If traffic was good on the 91, I could be there in 45 minutes. My daughter had to get to practice and my son, well, he was the emotional barometer of the family. If I was okay, so was he. I had a stalker, too, so he worried about me. One night the guy called at 11:00. I handed the phone to my husband. The next day, my son reminds me he has weapons... do think he had any anxiety?

     [ Need a potty break? When I offer suggestions and options to planning clients that they might have missed, it is a combination of training, research and having been there. My driver's ed teacher used to say it this way, "Oh, same thing -- only different." The big picture and the major themes of struggle for adults caught in the throws of shared-parenting are the same, but family to family the details vary. Anger is a secondary emotion; find the root cause such as unmet expectations or fear of something, dissolve the anger and move forward - together whenever safety is not a concern. ]

      At the same time our first grandson was being born, my husband was in the ER with sudden on-set of respiratory trouble. They over-medicated him and when he was standing for a chest exam, down he went before they could push the buzzer. I would run out to the hallway and call the hospital where my stepdaughter was in labor and run back to see how my husband was doing. There is always something to be managed in life. Whether it is health, family, faith, or finances, it is up to each of us to figure out how we will handle it. We have to be more conscious of our ability to choose and of our thought lives. Believe me, I have made my share of less-than the best choices and I am well-acquainted with bitter results.

      Back to the house and the unseen mold invader. All of us were having respiratory and, in looking back, some degree of memory and processing problems. My auto-immune symptoms had me spinning almost daily, literally. There were days I could not drive and I could be found kneeling over the porcelain throne for an hour before I could go anywhere. Certainly, there were times when I slurred my words and walked off-balance -- other mothers could have thought my children had a drunk for mother. Now imagine what my husband came home to for a season. He also was going through career transitions ... certainly there were days my man must have thought I had touched the connector while plugging in the vacuum! 

      Where can you find laughter in your present situation? Laughter in a stepfamily setting is like the oil for the Tinman -- it loosens you up and gets you out of the stuck mode, able to move forward again.

     Perhaps it is a medical condition rendering you with less capacity to function than you once enjoyed, or a relationship gone bad that has your stomach in knots so tight. Unless you are purposefully capturing your thought life and calling it in line with the goals you have for marriage and family life, feelings can derail progress and even lead to a costly emotional crash or the destruction of relationships. Does any of this ring true for you or someone you know? Relationships can be rebuilt where love has been buried by circumstance.

     We will round the corner of a very difficult decade in January 2010. It marks the start of our third year in our (rental) home and it is our 25th wedding anniversary! This is not where we expected to be at this place in our lives, but it is where we are. No complaints today. We are all so much happier in this home. I have taken my passion of the past 19 years to a full-time focus and it is the same life experience I would not have sought out that causes people to open up and spill their hearts' contents to me after a few minutes in the grocery store line, at parks and auto repair shops! Listen, there is something grand in overcoming life together. It is our inclination to separate and go our own way, but like the saying goes, "the grass might appear greener on the other side of the hill, but it still has to be mowed." 

     After I served as a housing counselor, I went on to write and co-present "The Truth About Loan Modifications" in March 2009. Let me ask you, do you use a budget? A budget is a reliable financial compass, but it will only work if you look at it regularly. Through my seminars and consulting, I have discovered most people do not use a detailed budget. They are unwilling to discipline themselves to track expenses. They are tired after working all day and want to relax after work. Uncertainty is a trigger for anxiety; how relaxed will you feel, really?
 
     Between now and when I get the articles posted, I implore you to lighten your load and implement a budget. Make the effort to track expenses for two weeks. Keep it simple so you will do it. If your partner is not on board, find a way to get on the same page. Getting it set up and creating new habits will take a few days up to a few weeks, but you can do it if you have the will to realize the end result. People give up too soon. I would start at the library. Scour books, take notes and go from there. You don't have to purchase anything -- come back read the Life after Foreclosure tab that will post soon. We will be illustrating the real pressures of life and their rippled effects in A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles. What make this series so special is the professionals who have come along side the project to provide insightful information to facilitate your success. 

      The series is going to expose the inside lives of true-to-life single and remarried parents and stepparents, grandparents and others. There are five different writers bringing you stories. With different writing styles and characters to follow, you won't want to miss an episode or the tips and insights which follow. You will see the benefits of effective stepfamily assimilation planning. We are just one many types of services available to support your success and we encourage you to review what we offer: Stepfamily Focal Points Corner, specialized planning services, and more. Realizing we can't be everything to all people, we encourage you to check our Resources page and read the Follow Up tab insights. We do believe we are the best place to start!   

     StepfamilySystems.com Facilitating Connections, Providing Support - We'll be your Alice.

     Well, step by step we getting the word and awareness out about the awesome support found through Stepfamily Focal Points Corner's own A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles! You are invited to join, share and grow!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/A-Richter-Blend-Stepfamily-Chronicles/206598578007?v=photos&ref=ts#/pages/A-Richter-Blend-Stepfamily-Chronicles/206598578007?ref=ts

We'll be your Alice!

Tricia

     Part of the mission of StepfamilySystems.com is facilitating connections. I would like you to bring to your attention a new FB group called TPS, short for Target Parent Syndrome. It is for all parents who have concerns about alienating behaviors. Now no group or website should ever take the place of seeking out a therapist or other blending support when desired or needed, mind you. Check it out. I hope you will find value in this support venue.

     Lastly, I invite you to participate in the Stepfamily Satisfaction and Parental Alienation Experience Survey project. There is controvery about the existence of parental alienation syndrome within the professional community. The purpose of the 10,000-responder survey is to not only gain insights on the experiences families and children face but also to provide data to legislators, educators and families.

~ Tricia

     From my experience, I believe Parental Alienation Syndrome to be an ethical problem not a mental problem, although I suppose for those who might have some type of borderline disorder, the stress of divorce and despising their children's other parent could be what puts them over the edge. I don't know - that's why I am in school, building on existing credentials and researching. I do know that I have had many conversations with people who have said their former spouses were basically normal people but something went off during the course of separation and divorce. . .

     I retrieved this from the Internet today:

http://mkg4583.wordpress.com/category/dsm-iv/ (DSM-IV = Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-IV) ...Health experts from ten different nations are making an effort to include Parental Alienation Syndrome in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which is published by the American Psychiatric Association. 

      I encourage you to do your due diligence. Take everything you hear or read and vet it for yourself. There are all sorts of opinions out there. Personally, I like to know what is below the surface of those opinions and thoughts expressed -- any research, what kind? Personal experience only? A degree, from what institution? Certifications, who certified the course? I try to know what I believe and why.

      Send your thoughts and opinions to ResearchResponse@StepfamilySystems.com. I may use responses in character development when writing A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles. Who knows, you might see some of yourself (or someone else who has similar thoughts) in our Port Hills families!

     Being a mother is a strong force in my life, but I became a stepmother first. When I married my husband, I committed my life to not only being the best wife I could be, but also to co-raising his and his former wife's three adorable, chocolate-brown eyed kids. Let me tell you, it has not been a trouble-free shared-parenting journey over the past 24 years of marriage. However, we have done some things well enough or we would not be celebrating our 25th anniversary in January. Self-education played a crucial role in enhancing my understanding and it helped shape more realistic expectations of everyone involved.

      In 1990 I presented my first stepfamily assimilation workshop to couples raising one or both partners' children from previous relationships. I was young but I had done what many others would not do to survive and overcome challenges -- I had gone to the library, made phone calls, written letters, puposefully conducted conversational research everywhere I went, and I spent hours in the law library asking for help. When I married my husband in 1980, there were only scant resources available.

      As one living with focus and memory repercussions of having lived through four car accidents with head trauma, it was a huge decision to transition from self-education and 20-plus years of informal research, accompanied by a host of certifications along the way, to completing a formal education. Along with running StepfamilySystems.com I am on the road to earning my bachelor's/master's degree in psychology and my doctorate in education. I have always been somewhat untraditional, possessing a large share of grit.
 
       In this researcher's opinion, too many children of divorce are paying too high a price for their parents' choices and all of the United States is sharing in the cost of embracing no-fault divorce, co-habitation, and televising infidelity like it is some exciting game most people play at one time or another. Broadcasting disturbing lyrics in music is not helping anyone either except for the one profiting from its sensationalism. The grass might be greener on the other side, but, as a calendar I read once says, it still has to be mowed! What are we doing in America?
      
      As the United States has moved away from embracing its Christian roots of unity toward all types of tolerance as an act of appearing non-judgmental and politically correct, I believe it has lost the unifying principles one core faith in God provides. I believe we need to move away from being politically correct and toward being Biblically correct. Religion, in my opinion, is putting God within a set of boundaries defined by man. Labeling diversity has broadened divides between this nation's people rather than closing gaps. The race we all would fair well to be concerned about is the human race with all its shades and sizes. If you believe God is Creator, isn't it evident He likes variety? There are fresh waters and salt waters, four seasons, day and night, men and women, plant and animals of all types. It makes sense that mankind would come in a variety, too. Mankind's freedom to express one's self without self-regulation and concern for others is trouble - pure and simple. 

      Religious convictions and one's understanding of his god, is fundamental to the way a person values life, marriage and parenting. Parent-child relationships are vital to the stability and productivity of the next generation and end-of-life care for the existing, maturing population. Generations of the past demonstrated a greater willingness to sacrifice for others without resentment, entitlement or blaming others for everthing gone wrong. No, they simply say from their convalescent wheelchairs, "That's just the way it was. It was how it had to be."

     Where on the time-line of the 1900s and the first nine years of the 2000s did Americans move from a place of willing sacrifice for others, firm faith in God and weekend worship to something more self-centered than others-minded? Does anyone have something to share about this line of thought?  

     Lastly, how connected is the drop in American children's academic performance to no-fault divorce?

      So, what say you? Is God popular, or not so popular? Who is God to you? I will draw from these responses for some characters in an episode of A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles.

      Email your thoughts to ResearchResponse@StepfamilySystems.com.

     I am thrilled that the survey and the Richter Blend series has picked up International interest! Visitors are coming from the Netherlands, Canada, and Japan among others since Friday's release of A Richter Blend, SF Chronicles. No matter where we live, a human heart is a human heart and we experience similar emotions no matter where we occupy space on planet earth.

    Other countries are more than welcome to send us surveys, too, but I can't translate the series on my own. We'll see what happens with that. In fact, an International aspect to the study will be great. We just got started, and 10,000 surveys will call for many households to respond. Only each for everyone 18 years old and up, please. 

     I am enlisting your help today by asking you to talk about the survey on an everyday basis, and A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles, too. If you would like to do this and send in a monthly update of your efforts (nothing fancy), you might want to become a SF Support Awareness Ambassador. You will be serving your community and will receive a certificate for your contribution to our work. It is going to take a very strong collaborative effort to get the study done. We know it needs to be done.

     Lastly, the series has started off right and its unlike anything done before that we have found! We are keeping them short enough to squeeze into a busy day, long enough to keep you interested as you follow characters you either love or despise. We are busy introducing you to a print cast in many stages of single, divorced and remarried parenting.

     Keep your communications coming: for a Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles StraightTalk@StepfamilySystems.com and for the surveys, use the designated ResearchResponse@StepfamilySystems.com Email. Facilitating Connections. Providing Support. We'll be your Alice.

     I am so grateful for the community of professionals who have come along side the Richter Blend project to provide support to you. They offer their insights as a community service. I encourage you to visit their websites for additional information and links, and to send them notes telling them how their infomation is having an impact on your life. Then, as needed, consider using their services first because they have already invested time in supporting A Richter Blend's followers.

     I am a home-based woman doing my part, as best I can, to facilitate better relationships between distressed, divorced parents and their children. A little about the challenges I have faced is in the most recent press release posted on the Contact Us page. It's always good to know who you are working with and to make sure their qualifications match the type of support you are seeking.

     My services do not include therapy. I earned my Divorce/Family Mediation Certification under the instruction of Forrest "Woody" Mosten. He is well respected and a leader in mediation services. Rest assured, I did not take a correspondence course for my certification. The training is recognized by the American Bar Association. So, my services can be utilized alone or simultaneously with other services. Just be sure to check with your other service provider to be sure we are working together to expedite, not hinder, results.

     I am a lifetime stepfamily member. I share snippits of my experiences throughout earlier blogs. Presently adding to my credentials, I have gone back to earn a bachelor's/master's in forensic pychology (because of the stepfamily assimilation program I wrote and offer here) and my doctorate in education. My heart goes out to the volume of children who suffer academically because of distracted parenting during divorce and remarriage challenges besides emotional stress and in those sad cases, physical/sexual abuse, too.

     I always enjoy hearing from others, especially now that I have A Richter Blend, SF Chronicles and Twitter followers; feel free to drop me a line at StraightTalk@StepfamilySystems.com. What I can't provide you, I will climb mountains, leap tall buildings and swim an ocean to find for you by referral and networking. One day, the children will be grown and the most freeing thought will be, "I truly did my best. I self-educated about stepfamily life, I sought support, I had therapy (if needed) and tried to accomplish peace." With this as your truth, not fantasy, you will be well able to live with the results.

~ Tricia Powe,
President - Mediator, StepfamilySystems.com
Founding Director, Stepfamily Straight Talk Foundation (still on paper only)
Creative Director - A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles
Twitter.com/stepfamilytalk

      Thank you for being patient as I launched the series seven-and-a-half hours late after pulling an all-nighter last night. I felt like a college student writing a last minute paper. I even craved pizza at 3:00 a.m. LOL.  It seems the virus that has disrupted my E-mail access is more vicious than I first realized. 

      What happened was not funny, but now I chuckle. I promised to publish the trailer at noon, pst, today. When I transferred the document from word to my website at 8:30 this morning, it refused to properly align in its new setting. I whittled away. line-by-line, fixing the imperfections and finished with a few minutes to spare. To spare? I thought I could print the revisions and publish at noon on the nose and deliver as promised. 

      Okay, you know the little inner nudge you get to avoid one thing and do another? For me, that is the Holy Spirit guiding my choices. I felt the nudge to print five minutes early, but I wanted to hear the clock strke twleve as I completed my task. My bad, my stubborn heart! I hit "print" on the keyboard instead of clicking on "publish" and my gut flipped over as the printer made a false start, my computer blue-screened the message "Hardware Malfunction" and down she went.

      My 22 year old daughter can come in at two a.m. and pop right out of bed for work after a few hours, no problem. Not the same for her 46 year old mom. I have to say, I do like most aspects of getting older - loss of 20-hour energy just isn't one of them! Tired after only a couple hours of sleep, I felt my eyes well up with water and I called my (birth)mom. We created a plan for the people who have supported me and those who are eager to take a healing journey.

      After making a stop at Youngest Son's college (I'll never use the names of my family members; you understand, I love them.), and missing the open administrative hours on Friday by 20-minutes (of course!) we made our way to the University's library (I'm aspiring to earn my Ed.D, but the year has yet to be determined!). I found an unused computer, logged on and successfully sent an update to my Facebook and Twitter groups about the publishing delay. That relieved some pressure. 

      Youngest son had gone for a soda while I was frantically updating everyone. When I walked out of the library, wobbling in my exhaustion, I must have appeared drunk to a younger crowd. Well, at least that's why I think they were looking at me. I suppose they could have been wondering if my ancient brain is still capable of learning! For a moment, I feared they were right because I couldn't find my car. Then it dawned on me - I wasn't alone. Unaware that I had left my phone at home, Youngest Son had hijacked the wheels thinking he had sent me a text about his whereabouts!
  
      Since exiting the mortgage industry to follow my undying passion for supporting stepfamilies (19 years this past October), it has been an adventure, to say the least. No regular paychecks since April have force us to master using a b-b-b-budget. What a handy financial tool it is, too. I should know since I was a housing counselor for an agency that serviced the 995-HOPE hotline. But is it safe to say we don't always do what know we should? I also went back to school to build on my existing credentials, as noted earlier.

      I've ran on long enough about my day. Thank you for tagging along life's journey with me. I do sincerely hope the Richter Blend series will touch many lives, giving hope to the hopeless and order to chaos so that you may have the richest life possible. Do your best and you can live with the results, but it won't always be easy. Trust me, I know.

     Living the step life, too, Tricia

Which is worse, a deadbeat dad or a father-alienating mother? Why?

ResearchResponse@StepfamilySystems.com