Our detailed vision and goal of increasing satisfaction with shared parenting lifestyles encompasses single, remarried and step parents, with a trickle-down impact on their children. By helping our clients to work toward identifying and making  improvements which are within their reach, instead of focusing on what they want but cannot have (yet, perhaps), they reduce risk of marital and dual-household discord, resulting in reducing the risks of academic neglect in their children's learning journey. Increasing the opportunities for family stability and enjoyment, and for children to perform their best in school just makes sense. 

     Our primary support option is A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles. These true-to-life stepfamily and shared-parenting stories, evidence the inherent challenges blended-families and shared-parenting households face. They demonstrate what might or might not work well and as you read them, you might find they launch improved communication and increase understanding of your own situation.
 
     We leave no stone unturned during the SAM planning process. Here is how we measure up:

We are:

Planning/Consulting/Coaching- you determine the level of our involvement. We are mediation-based (Mosten Mediation, 1998), and do not provide psychological counseling. Although,  it has been said there are psychological benefits of going through the planning process we provide. Part of planning includes a list of local and national resources comprised of therapists, parenting classes, and more. We are the link that has been missing between saying an "I do" and "I don't anymore - I want a divorce"

Solutions minded. While we cannot avoid addressing and acknowledging past experiences, we focus on today's choices as the foundation for your journey tomorrow, etc., and because we are solutions minded, we are also:

>>Short-term, as needed. There are no long-term commitments with us. We anticipate, because of its low cost, stepfamily adults, parents and grown-children, alike, will access the support of Family Focal Points Corner pages for years to come while they might only use the self-help notebook or E-assistance for intermittent, brief periods.

>>Client directed, not therapist guided. However, during planning we will source local and national support options for your plan in the event you want to access psychological counseling or crisis services either simultaneously or in the future.

>>To the Point. We have to know what you expect and what your needs are in order to be most effective, so you are encouraged to communicate. If you are uncomfortable discussing concerns, E-assistance is available and some E-assistance or phone communication comes with every purchase in our service shop. Some use it. Others do not. It is your choice!

>>Affordable, cost-effective. Family Focal Points Corner $8/monthly* can make anyone the champion of their family while also helping others. 

     *4% helps StepfamilySystems save for establishing its 501c3 status (already a member of the Non-Profit Resource Center) and 8% helps teachers with art supplies and to establish school-based, family art-therapy programs. Schools@StepfamilySystems.com) 

     We have been recognized in two Who's Who publications (Manchester 2006 and Sterling's 1994) for our innovative approach to stepfamily support options. Come, plan with us. It could save your marriage, parent-child relationships, your finances, and insurmountable measures of stress.

    Take care of your whole being. You will feel better and relate to others better. Until next time,

~ Tricia

      Parents will come to a stand off, fuss and feud because they are focused on what they want. They want a certain result or a specific thing to happen - that is the expectation, the position for which they stand their ground. If parents will not move from their positions over the field of interests where their children should be the superstars, there will be pain. 

     If your children do not feel they can confide in you, they might bottle things up or they might open up somewhere else with some assistance, possibly, by drinking, doing drugs or having sex. Let's not even talk about all the attitude that will likely show up first. If it does, do not delay communication. I have written this before - if you and your child or stepchild are not able to speak without sparks flying, use a communication journal. We will be detailing the benefits of and how to facilitate journal-talk in the Corner beginning February 15.

         If parents come to a toe-to-toe, you are looking at time! Extending the time it takes to reach a resolution frustrates everyone. In February, in the Cooperton's story of A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles you will see Dante Thomas pull out his BATFO. He has a mini-sized composition notebook with BATFO printed on the cover. You know the one I mention? It is mini version of the Composition journals third and fourth grade students use - something like 3 X 4 inches in size, it fits in a pocket or purse.

         Dante uses his BATFO mini-book to keep himself focused on the issues while speaking to his first wife, Christa. Dante and Christa were married six years. They will be our Port Hills characters attending SAM Planning in the Corner with you beginning February 15. Come, take a healing journey with us and learn about the BATFO (Best Alternative to a Forced Order). You will be glad you were there!

     Updated re-post: In mediation, mediators take time to "go to the balcony" -- to step aside, clear the mind and to view the situation as one standing on a balcony for a different perspective. I have gone to the balcony frequently since August as I began planning for service quality and delivery in 2010. There were many things to consider about client accessibility in these economical times as a service provider.  

     We have gone for the balcony perspective regularly since August preparing to make 2010 the best year for single and remarried adults raising children who have two households raising them. To increase access to stress-reducing Stepfamily Assimilation Management (SAM) planning here is what 2010 is providing:
 
          1) We lowered individual product pricing, and while our products are service-based for maximum results, they can be used as home-study. 
  
          2) In order not to compromise on results, in order to eliminate the weekly call requirements, we added planning support as part of what we provide in SF Focal Points Corner. 

          3) We bundled products for maximum savings while keeping single selection purchases an option. As long as we are able to manage production, we will have greater control over production costs (materials management, etc.) and we might have to extend delivery time in 2010, but cost control is valuable in this economy.
 
     The first of three supplementary and on-line SAM planning sessions for 2010 begins February 15. (Some shared with us that the delay would help get through the "holiday crunch") SAM Planning is exclusive to the Family Focal Points Corner at StepfamilySystems.com. Each week we will feature a topic from our flexible SAM planning course. When you are able to, and for maximum results, you can get the workbook from the Service Shop. The first session ends the week of May 8. If you are not able to start with us from the first week, missed weeks will be delivered in order during the next session. No worries. Now you can simply come into the Corner and get started, adding components as you can.

     Pre-release purchases receive priority delivery when our new illustrations are completed by the Art Institute of CA, I.E. campus, intern! We look forward to serving you well with our unique and cost effective support in the Corner!

     Grab a cookie and coffee or read this on your break. It is a doozy.

     I have asked myself many times in 25 years why I continue to hope that Biological Mom (BM) and I will ever have a pleasant relationship again, and that two of our three stepchildren will desire restored relationships; it looks completely impossible. Again? We probably never really had it before because BM so easily dumped what I thought was workable co-parenting. To what degree did my own choices contribute to where we are today? We all have to be real with ourselves if any progress is to be made. Let me ask you if you want to see your grandchildren grow up or attend weddings and other family events without chaos - that is a real consideration. If that's not enough, stop reading. Go read a former post and do some soul searching.

     When my husband and I first married, I knew him to be a reasonable and well-grounded guy. A family man who would not skip an hour with kids while we were dating - not that I ever asked him to, mind you. But I knew he would not have married his first wife if she was a bad person; something went wrong somewhere between them. So why would she not want her children to get along with the woman who would be caring for them in her absence - an absence her choice created, not my husband's? He had not cheated on her as many other men have done to their wives to create bitterness. I understood loyalty binds and loss because I had a complicated childhood, too. I am well acquainted with loss. What is more, I am also well acquainted with restoration of relationships. I know the hurt, the struggles of reconnection, forgiveness and of finally making it! Yes, I do. I also understand the saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink." If you try to force it, even though you know the water will save its life, you are in for trouble.

     Why put forth the effort to build a bridge when it appears no one will cross it to meet you in the middle? My question is what if they DO cross over? What if it is the next week that they have an epiphany about some aspect of life? There is peace in knowing you tried and because you tried, they are more likely to cross over - when they are ready. There is the key! They have to be ready. 

     Oh my gosh! I have knocked on doors, put my foot in my mouth and kicked myself in the fanny more times than I like to admit. But I love, Love, LOVE my stepchildren. I have been part of their lives since they were little - just 2, 3 and 5 when we dated. Their dad and I officially met the night of the day he moved out after accepting there was nothing more he could do. Their divorce came at a great cost, namely to the children, but great costs can mean great and enhanced value, too! So once everyone can own their part of the problems, what is left? RESTORATION! 

     Why build the bridge? There is strength in knowing you have done all to find solutions. I have made many crossings through letters that were no doubt misread, twisted, and down right loathed. But I tried. I have crossed the bridge many times only to come back with nothing. 

     I have learned that silence can be a war strategy. I am a talker. She is not. Being denied the ability to have the truth completely layed out before the jury - or victim pool - (our grown, shared children as well as those we added to the family) was a deprivation that nearly killed me. I was on the brink of insanity being denied the opportunity to have a family roundtable - where we invited her and her husband; we could even have a neutral party available. (I am a certified divorce mediator, after all, and can bring in the best!)  All the avoidance made me feel like a failure and I almost left mediation and came close to abandoning my passion for supporting the success of others through my work with StepfamilySystems.com But to my surprise, in what I had perceived as failure, I found victory.

      I finally realized I could stand tall and hold my head high because I have done all to create relationships that could thrive for our shared children (my three stepkids) and my children who love and have been hurt by their siblings rejection of their mom. It is not so simple, is it? BM has her own efforts to make. Many parents stall or refuse our of fear of their past, protected by strife, being realized by others. Many just do not know how to deal with peace; all they know is chaos. There are a host of possibilities.

     What I had to explain to my kids was that their siblings do not know me anymore as they know me. They knew me once, but their thoughts toward me have been influenced by someone who, one can conclude, resents me. The love they once expressed toward me has been lost somewhere in the land of unforgiveness or perhaps loyalty to their mother. Now that is something my kids could understand because of their love for me. Yet, I have taught them, we press on in love. That's what love does. It does not deprive one of additional love. Love begets love. I would much prefer my kids be loved by a stepmother than despised because I seeded disrespectful behavior toward her in my children. Furthermore - Braided family point, here - what about that attitude you are sowing causing your children to break the Commandment, to honor thy parents? Simply, they will be treated better by a stepparent that loves and cares for them. Thankfully, my children did not face that element of stepfamily life.

     Therein lies an issue many biological parents miss which puts their children into harms way. They sow disrespect in the hearts of their children and essentially send them to war with the other household. To what gain? For their own satisfaction that the children cannot enjoy time with the other parent? Whatever parental rold you fill, put yourself in your children's shoes and think for a few minutes. Would you kick a wounded puppy? Children of divorce, I once heard, are like wounded puppies. They snip and whine over a situation where they most often have no say-so, and they need TLC. 

     Do your best and you can live with the results. I have built a bridge. It is a strong bridge built by supernatural love. When I do not "feel" so loving, supernatural love flows through me. No doubt my past letters and efforts to keep the door and windows open for passage were scoffed at, twisted or trashed. I know the truth was skewed by what one stepchild told me before he moved back to his mom's after she had kicked him out - and then orchestrated saving him from us, so it felt. We supported her choice, opened our doors and held him to a standard - just as we do with the younger ones who are also grown, but still at home. Did not get the same in return when we held him accountable for his own choices.

    It was the mistruth/lie spoken by his lips that nearly killed me. Reminded me of a misturth/lie that was told about me during court. That one made me sick to my stomach for weeks. After that, it made sense why they stopped being close to me. No, I was not perfect, either - that's not what I am saying here, but I was honest and open, good at saying I was sorry, owned my own choices and I had to make known the truth, by golly! But in the process, I made myself look horrible! I sealed my own fate by pushing my time frame into a time period they were not ready for yet. My motives were good - setting the record straight so that a painful past could no longer hurt anyone (the truth will set you free) - but my timing (pushing for earlier rather than being patient) and my methods (not face to face where my body language and tone could not be misinterpreted) were wrong.

     Listen, it is better to build the bridge by doing all things that are right and good, and then wait. God knows when the pastures of each heart are ready "to deal" with what has to be faced. I was a bull in a china shop; holy cow. Today I live with great peace. I took myself off MySpace which had become a trap. I went on to keep a door of communication open with my kids and stepkids (and to do a little mama-patrolling). I ended up wandering over to BMs space to see whether or not she was still up to her old stories. It was awful! Come on now, you know what I am saying! I was allowing her choices, or strategy, to drive me crazy. I could not stand the replays of the wrong information my stepson had shared with me and my husband. Then, I finally - when I settled down long enough, I got a quiet word from that still small voice. Only He could do the work I was trying to do! Well, I hadn't really been thinking at all; I was being lead around by thoughts and fears gone wild. I had not been calling my own thoughts captive to the direction I needed to go. I finally surrendered and it has been sweet ever since. 

     No one is perfect this side of heaven. Forgiveness is necessary to progress into meaningful relationships that will last.  If you are a person of faith, is your faith your steering wheel, your spare tire or is it parked in the garage? I had mine parked in the garage. I was going to make things work, by golly, and I was behind the steering wheel - move over, Jesus. I had a plan; just let me do it! Holy moly! Anyone else get the picture?

     I am so grateful for His Word. Trust me, there is peace in knowing you have done all you can, but it up to you to embrace it and let what is out of your control go to the wind! Be careful not to force things to be accomplished in your time frame. Only God knows the details of each person's heart. He knows their needs and yours, too. Therefore, He knows the best timing. Try not to get blindsided by the adversary to our victory in Christ. Press on in surrender to make your immediate family's experience valuable and precious, embracing the peace that you have done all you can.  Love your family and enjoy what is yours to enjoy. Dump the misery in a mental bucket and go flush it. Repeat as often as necessary.

     Be the kind of wife your husband wants to come home to - would you want to come home to you? Sometimes we press our men to meet our needs and we have not touched meeting theirs because our emotions have driven us into Crazy Canyon. Can I hear a Coo-Coo? Let God do His work and be there when the time for restoration arrives. If it does not, then trust God's sovereignty in that, too.

     If you are not yet signed up to have access to Stepfamily Assimilation Management Planning, or to continue the A Richter Blend stories with us, and more, through the Focal Points Corner, don't delay! You will be hard-pressed to find better support anywhere for $8 month, and where a portion of subscriptions are also investing in the lives of others wearing stepfamily shoes. Some expressed the need to wait for the holiday crunch to pass, so subscriptions will not begin until the day after Valenines day! However, I have a writing team to pay and business expenses that will not go away, so I cannot hold out beyond that date! From my heart to yours, "Press on!"

Living the Step-Life, too,

Tricia

     The first StepfamilySystems.com Stepfamily Conference Planning Committee needs to hear from you!  If you are a single parent, remarried parent (biological) or stepparent you won't want to miss this conference! Copy and paste int a new E-mail to StraightTalk@StepfamilySystems.com:

1) What would you like to hear about: List three things.

2) Provide three weekends between June and September that would work well for you to attend a Southern California Conference:

3) If you are out of Southern California, where do you recommend we schedule the next conference?

4) If we offered the following break-out groups, which ones, in addition to the top three answers above, would you be mostly like to sit in:

___ Single Parents group

___ Remarried/biological Parents groups

___ Stepparents group

___ Couples groups

___ Stepping with Special Needs group

___ Grandparents Group:

___ Other:

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The following dream took place Friday night, January 19, 2010, as Delrose Hazelwood drifted off to sleep thinking about the discussion with her neighbor Stephen Cooperton earlier that day. They had discussed Macy's decision and the loss of his family due to the divorce that could no longer be stopped. Delrose Hazelwood was just the right age for being a fan of the original DC Comics'. She felt sorrow for the breakup of the Cooperton family for whom she felt affection. She had polished off a big, juicy hamburger with cheddar cheese and her favorite white onion as she drifted off to sleep. That night she dreamt:
      
      "Holy Cow, Fryman! A subscription of only $8 month is supposed to help the  StepfamilySystems.com' Strengthening Stepfamilies Crusade? How can this be?" asked Fring Boy.

      "That is correct, Fring Boy. $8 month provides subscribers access to areas of the StepfamilySystems.com website non-subscribers can't see for various and sound reasons, like keeping the likes of the Jalepeno Sauce out of the way," Fryman said while pointing to their own rogues gallery.
 
      "But Fryman, can't subscribers go to other places and get help for free?"

      "Well, yes, they can, Fring Boy. Even StepfamilySystems.com sees the value of the work of free chat groups and resources as a supplementary means of support. Yet, even free groups frequently lead to services which requires the client to make a substantial investment of time and money for their best effort to succeed when there are troubled waters to sail," said Fryman."

       With his fists to his waist sides, Fring Boy asked, "Have you and StepfamilySystems.com talked to the Commissioner about this dilemma of no support, free support and higher cost investments? Holy smokes! I think I get it; is that why StepfamilySystems.com is filling the gap of support with subscription access to specific areas of the website?"

       "Yes, Fring Boy. While passion and love can cloud our judgment at times, they frequently go the extra mile to solve problems. Realizing, from her lifetime of stepfamily experiences, that there was a gap in service options to fill in the late 1980s, StepfamilySystems.com's Creative Director - Mediator presented her first workshop for single, remarried and stepparents raising children with parents in two households in 1990. However, the likes of Burnt Bacon and some tragic family illnesses, like Alzheimer's Disease,  interrupted the roll-out of services," said Fryman. 

      "So things were slowed down a bit; I see," said Fring Boy. "But, with passion and desire to see other stepfamilies survive, StepfamilySystems.com has used time wisely and applied things learned to the program as it is today."

      "Right again, Fring Boy. StepfamilySystems.com offers much more than it did in 1990. For its most recent give-away, it was on MSNBC.com. The most exciting and innovative support option recently developed is the exclusive publishing of A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles. It tells the stories of true-to-life characters of men and women raising children with parents in two households. Single, remarried and step parents all follow the stories to gain insights and tips from the stepfamily service professionals who comprise the Stepfamily Strategy Team." 

      Fryman continued, "It also offers a variety of half-day events and weekend retreats, both generic and faith-based to reach out to as many parents as possible. Most notable are the three, 16-week long series for Stepfamily Assimilation Management (SAM) Planning that is available to single, remarried and step parents through the Family Focal Points Corner to tackle parenting more effectively in and between their children's households. They also give back 12% of subscriptions." 

      "Eight dollars a month can make anyone the champion of their family, Fryman," Fring Boy responded, "and so little compared to the costs of not addressing issues and the costs associated with going straight into litigation. It facilitates connections and provides a great deal of support from a variety of established stepfamily professionals. How do we get the word out about the unique  StepfamilySystems.com brand of support?"

      "I think we just did," replied Fryman.

         

     Somehow we made it to our 25th anniversary, but it was not without ample opportunity to let things or love slip away. Yet, we still have as much fun as two teenagers discovering love their first time. It was not by accident, it was not because we are lucky -- no, ending up where we are today took effort that was seldom 50/50.

     What I have learned is that someone is always giving more than the other person - more patience, more tolerance, more help, more compassion, more forgiveness, more, more, more. The important part is that we switched off acknowledging our own shortcomings so that we could keep putting forth those things toward each other as needed. We can just get wrapped up and make everything about ourselves, can't we? Come on now, you know what I am saying.  Even things that might start off with others in mind one day, can become something we glorify ourselves in or wrap our woes in the next day! Have you ever awakened to ask yourself, "How did this happen?"

     I always come back to one's thought life as the culprit of discord or vessel of victory. It is in our minds that we get tangled in past grudges or wrong choices and hurtful experiences which hinder our moving forward. It is in our minds that we battle to have victory in how we feel or think. Bringing us to today's post, "When a positive connection does not exist, what do you do?"

     I can assure you, if you concentrate on everything that drives you crazy, you will go crazy or give up large measures of joy and leak attitude poison into your home. I know from experience. How much worse could it have been for me, since I am also certified in divorce mediation and have been supporting stepfamilies publicly since 1990, to realize I could not create a pleasant and enjoyable relationship with my husband's former wife? Can anyone say these words: failure, bad, ineffective, burdened, sorrowful? Well, I felt all of those and then some. Committed to marriage and family, I could not go down the paths those would take me and stay there if we were to have success for our five children, combined, of course (All grown now ranging in age from 31 to 18). If I were to give up, then I would be putting the children born into our family the same experience of loss as my stepchildren already experienced. No, no! 

     It is in not having the claim of success, peace and harmony in my stepfamily or between households of other stepfamily professionals that makes people open up and pour their hearts out to me, read my Q & A blog, and most recently - read A Richter Blend. They take a mental note when I share because my eyes show them I understand their pain for their family from my heart. It is in not having forged an effective shared-parenting merger, of sorts, and not having the stepfamily we had envisioned upon saying "I Do" yet remaining in love that perks curiousity about and desire for the StepfamilySystems.com brand of support for single, remarried and stepparents caught in the throws of shared parenting. 

     First, when a positive connection does not exist with your child's other home, you need to ask why? And, I am not saying finger pointing to the right or the left is going to help you to a great degree because - you know the saying - when you point a finger, three point back at you! It is precisely the "you" we motivate, encourage and empower here. Even if you have the intentions, you can never, ever make another grown human being do something unless they see the need themselves. If you do forge some action, the results will rest in what the perceived need being met was - was it to satisfy you and get you off their back, or because they saw a greater benefit to the child's well-being? You see, we all fall short - even the best of people - because humans are imperfect beings. Saying sorry, when applicable, owning your own choices and making your best efforts is a path to peace and enjoying marriage in your new opportunity family.

     It is a hard reality, but you cannot have peace between households if the other parent or stepparent is threatened by peace in any shape or form, if they are not threatened but are just immature or bitter, you have to give it time and, if you are a braided-family, give it to God daily (sometimes hourly!). You are just not going to have it until they are ready or feel more in control of the process, if ever. The peace you can have and enjoy is the home environment you offer your family. How you respond to temptation, irritation and annoying behavior is truly in your power. You just have to know why it is important to you to make the choices you do. Now you can begin to have peace. This is part of our "A" (attitude) in our SAM planning course. There is more that is applicable under "S" (systems) that we will get into during the first sixteen week session of planning in the Corner which begins January 18.

     Come, plan with us and take a healing journey. You will be glad you did. You get so much for $8 month! Encouragement and support specific to your needs. Once you become a subscriber to the Focal Point Corner, you will not want to be without it. It is a wonderful supplement to resources you might already have and is always the best place to start planning your success. Explore your options today.

     ~Tricia
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     After much consideration, we have changed to Family(-in-step) Focal Points Corner. It will still have its emphasis on stepfamilies, but other families also benefit.  We are so excited to support you through the Corner!

     I enjoy the start of new projects; there is so much hope for the finished product, isn't there? Reducing the potential for conflict should come from the same focus. Start with the end in mind and focus on the condition of your mind as you go through the process. 

     Before we start a project, if we are smart, we will consider the time and cost investment needed to complete the project. After all, who enjoys benefits of a half-completed project? If we start something we really want or enjoy with the end in mind, chances are it will resemble our thought for its result. Oh, it might lean to the left or to the right, but the gist of it meets our needs. But about those projects we don't want to accomplish, but must?

     In the mind-set of "don't want to" or "don't like this" we fight ourselves, and others, every step of the way. We lose interest, we have little or no patience, we are irritable, grumbling and sighing all the way through. Do you relate? What do we miss with this attitude?

     As you begin to plan for your best year ever, on your own or with tips and insights we will be sharing through the SAM Planning in the Focal Points Corner, your success begins with an attitude.

     In Webster's Third New International Dictionary, unabridged edition, attitude is described as a position or bearing as indicating action, feeling or mood. Position is described, in part, as mental attitude: way of thinking about or viewing something.  Viewing is the act of seeing or taking a look. Way is a path, road or course travelled. In my summary, an attitude, is a thought-path through which your mind takes you places because thoughts lead to actions. 

     If you follow me on Twitter.com/StepfamilyTalk, you have read that your thoughts take you places. They will lead you somewhere or you can capture your thoughts, call them captive to your vision and direct where and how you land. When you land is greatly dependent on others' attitudes. With all this in mind, I wish you a successful year, marked with reduced conflict, as you realize how power you have just by realizing you can capture and direct your thought life.

     Mind you, you cannot make anyone join you in being willing to get along better, you can only do what you can do, and your best is all you can do. Doing your best will give you peace and patience once you surrender that doing your best is enough.

~ Tricia.