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My name is Franklin Anonymous. I am a father and a stepfather, and I needed help, but I did not want anyone to know I was struggling so I suffered in silence for a long time.  My first wife remarried before me and I felt pushed aside as my sons’ stepfather stepped into the role that was mine. I hated that he was getting to be part of their daily lives while I was a phone-in father. He was driving them to school before work, getting them Mc Donald’s meals like I did. He was going to the baseball field and talking to teachers. At first, it felt like my former wife instantly tried to minimize my relationship with our boys and emphasized the importance of their stepdad. During planning, I realized I had jumped to a wrong conclusion. I had been overly sensitive to the daily loss of seeing my sons and the reality was she was afraid they would not listen to their stepdad if I was kept in the loop. We all had fears running amuck we had not discovered through our bickering. 
 

Talking is something you find in the Women’s department, isn’t it?  Men, we just go with the punches of life, more or less. After all, we know what dads do, don’t we? They work all day to bring home the bacon. Usually, the Mrs. cooks it and the kids eat it all. Dads are good for throwing baseballs and fixing broken bikes. Dads are good for late night arrivals when the boys stay out too late. However, talking and getting in touch with our emotions are not options readily found in the Men’s department.

Jill, my present wife and love of my life, and I have five sons and one, precious daughter. The boys like to call me “Frankfarter” for a laugh. I am okay with it as long as they use some discretion, like, not at a restaurant. I have two sons who are 17 and 20. The 20 year old lives with us and the 17-year-old lives with his mother. My wife had three boys when we got married. They are 14, 12 and 7. We have one child together. Her name is Brooklyn Dawn. She is a honeymoon child born nine months and 4 days after our wedding. Almost 3 years old now, all of her brothers adore her - most of the time!  I might add she is the family unifier. Our family is spread out, spanning five households - our family, Jill's former husband, my former wife and each of their new spouses families' influences. Simple does not describe a single holiday.

Before Brooklyn came along, Cory had a hard time listening to me. He is the 14 year old. Now he says any guy who will change a poopy diaper and let his mom get some rest is okay. His father, who I will call Aaron, is pretty rigid and would seldom acknowledge my wife’s needs during their marriage. During our dual-household SAM Planning with StepfamilySystems.com, Aaron and I learned to view one another similarly to PTA or Scouting parents. We have shared responsibilities where the children are concerned; that’s the way it is after divorce. When we get irritated about something, we think about what we want to say first (easier said than done in the beginning because we were operating on assumptions). Typically, [as PTA parents or Scout leaders] we would not go up to another parent in front of the boys and start unloading our anger. No, we would be more diplomatic about our differences to reach a resolution.

Despite our personality differences, Aaron and I have forged a friendship much easier than mothers and stepmothers, at least that is how it seems to us. We do not operate so much on how we feel. Our emotions just don’t flood the surface like I hear is the case with women. I know Aaron as my wife’s former husband and he knows I am her present (and last) husband. We have never really talked about what went on in their relationship, not even during SAM Planning where I thought everything was going to be put on the table. Our planning E-Assistant said planning is accomplished on a customized foundation, but it was not necessary for me to know Aaron's perspective [about his past with Jill]  to accomplish our planning goals -  not at this time, at least. Furthermore, we need to acknowledge each other's role as it relates to the boys - not to Jill.

Aaron and I learned early on that our households have different approaches to most things. Our core values, however, are pretty near the same. With that discovery, we established how we would co-conduct shared-parenting so that the kids would experience the least amount of inconsistencies or competitive parenting while enjoying the different styles of each home. (For our blended family, there are five households of influence. That is a long way from one household for a traditional family, isn’t it?) We are helping the kids adapt to parenting styles.

I have experienced a lot with stepfamilies. My father died when I was a boy. A couple years later my mother remarried. I eventually chose to call my stepdad “dad”, too, but I know others who have other terms of endearment, like "uncle" or "pops" or "dad-Hal". The shoes for stepfathers are seldom worn without the discomfort of blisters every now and then. Eventually, we stopped irritating each other [parents and stepparents]  but it took having a plan. It helped to reduce the rate of fpw – fights per week which then lead to improved satisfaction at and between households. I encourage you to hang in there, but not by the skin of your teeth as my Arkansas-born mom would say. You have to hold on for the ride of your life.
 
As an adult leading a stepfamily, you will increase your chance to succeed by having access to your personal coach, a SAM Plan to which all eyes can turn, 24/7.  ~ Tricia

     I knew when I said “I do” that I wanted one marriage and did not want to put my kids through what I went through when I was 14.  I hated my parents for getting a divorce.  I showed them by acting out in all sorts of ways I am not proud to speak of today.  When I was with my mom and stepdad, I missed by dad. When I was with my dad and stepmom, I missed my mom.  I always had a parent absent and I was mad about not having a say in what they chose to do.  I still do not know why they got a divorce, not really.

     I spent a lot of time being angry and I messed up the time I did have at each parent’s home.  I suppose I felt like I didn’t really have a home because I could not stay as long as I wanted at either place; there was a custody schedule they kept but I did not like it.  I never felt settled after their divorce. Hence, I was determined to have my kids make  memories in one home.  When I met David he told me was divorced.  We dated.  We fell in love.  When I wanted to get married, he said he was still married.  By then, I was head over heels in love and I forgave him; he said he knew he blew it with his first marriage and would not do it again. For some reason, I believed him.  He and his ex-wife, Nancy, were separated because he had an affair before meeting me at a local comedy club.

     You might think I was crazy, but I could not leave the relationship. David’s kids were only four and five – practically twins. They were adorable!  I think I loved them from week one. Both were so shy and said the funniest things. When Rose Marie would say she missed her mom, I held her and told her I understood. Robby was too busy to say how he felt, but he did get cranky around me. I was a lot older, but I felt cranky around my stepmom, too, so I thought I could tolerate it.

     Eventually, David and I married. I had only met Nancy once, although I had seen her many times from the front seat of the car she and David bought together; that was weird.  It was time to co-parent and I felt like the spare tire.  David took every call Nancy made. She would even call at 11:00 p.m. and he would answer and listen to her ranting for an hour.  She had no consideration of our need to get some sleep for work the next day.  I guess she had a right to be angry.  However, somewhere there comes a time to simply choose to get over things of the past.  I had to forgive my parents.

     After a year into our marriage, Nancy was still calling at all hours and would just show up with the kids saying she was going out. Well, better we cared for them than some unknown babysitter, but some advance notice would have been nice and respectful. Then, Nancy moved in with a boyfriend and we had both of them acting out. They were drinking and we worried about the environment the children were in. I remember my mom had a couple shady boyfriends and I was as concerned as David. Considering our stability, we thought it was time to get custody of the children.

     Waiting in the hallway [of court] was very unpleasant. We eyeballed each other and Nancy always had a friend with her. At least she still had friends, I say! If looks could kill, I would not be sharing my story.   I was encouraged to keep a journal about Nancy’s unreliability by my aunt, so I did.  I needed to explain to the judge what a vast difference there was in our lifestyles. A friend of mine tried to get me to call Nancy back after she and her boyfriend called me during the day so that we could fight and I could write it in the journal.  She told me I needed to do anything to get the kids out of Nancy’s house.

     Can anyone say “loser”?  He [her boyfriend] worked swing shift as a security officer which went right along with his "I am the man" attitude; by the time the kids got home after school, he would be sleeping and they had to tip-toe around the house instead of playing like kids should. Their grades were slipping because they were scared. On Mother’s Day, Rose Marie gave me a “Favorite Mom” card and I cried.  Her card spoke volumes to David and we went back to court.  We did not win. The mediator said every parent is somewhat neglectful. What? But the kids are always sick, missing school, coming over with some kind of wound, showing anxiety, and what about Nancy's choice to shack-up with her boyfriend? The mediator noted those things are true, but they did not necessarily make her a bad mother. 

     I could not do anything right once we had gone back to court the second time.  The kids said their mom told them I had a fat a** because I did not work like she did.  (I do medical coding from home!) Then they said their mom told them I had taken over and their dad was a pansy.   Then when I took them to the doctor for ringworms, I was a trying to act like their mom, but I would never be their mom.  Then when David missed calling Robby on a birthday because he was on a business trip, she convinced Robby his dad “forgot his own son’s birthday” – which, of course, he had not. We had celebrated his birthday the last weekend we had them over before the trip. But Robby and Rose Marie had not connected the dots and were unforgiving about that for years. Then (sorry!) she took them out of town and did not tell us where she was or how we could reach her on one of David’s weekends.

     I got pissed off, finally, and I called to ask Nancy to ask her to stop distorting the truth and to stop making everything difficult. She said I was the one who was distorted for thinking her kids would ever love me.  She told me I had no clue how to be a mom because I had lost my patience and yelled at the kids, bought them clothes they did not like, washed their mouth out with soap for lying and more.  Oh, there was so much profanity; it makes me sick.  With her comments, I knew things were bad and I just wanted her to get married, you know?  But I did not want her marry the guy she was with. He was trouble because he called and asked me out saying neither Nancy nor David would have to know.  Was the guy full of himself or was he playing some kind of game with me?

     I did not know what swinging was, exactly, which is what her boyfriend wanted to do, but I told David who told me he felt sick and scared for the kids.  David initiated yet another court case to modify but because Nancy had moved back in with her parents, the court declined to take the children away from their sacred mother, stating that her parents were stabilizing factors. I don’t think our attorney tried very hard to win the case for us because I hear dads do better than ever with custody arrangements. Yea for them, boo for us and the children.

     I have read a lot about stepfamilies, but the chaos is non-stop. I think I am ready to quit for my sanity before I have kids. 
~ ~ ~
     Susie has concerns and looked for some answers in books. Books are great resources, but we tend to put them on a shelf, don't we? I recommend, as you do your reading, that you create Affirmation Cards. Yes, these cards that will help keep you motivated when you struggle.  While reading our self-help books we see great ideas and suggestions but forget to employ them and make them work long enough; before we give up, we need to see if they can really work for the family. It is inexpensive use paper on hand or buy a package of 3x5 cards and fill them up with goals, facts and discoveries. Keep them with you, put them in the car, put them near the sink where you brush your teeth and do the dishes. To overcome negative thoughts, you will do well to have a plan of attack you can reach anytime! ~Tricia

    

     Finally, I have realized that we can live with peace, knowing we did our best - and our best was all we could personally be responsible for when it came to effort and outcome. Once the children are grown, they each have the opportunity to mature through life experience and gain understanding. They might surprise you one day and cross the bridge as long as you have left the welcome sign up. Hopefully, they will learn that they have control, too, and no longer need to respond to the side-effects of IBMS. If they do cross the bridge, leave the other parent/s out of the reunion conversation - unless they initiate discussing the sore subject. Just build a new future from that day forward.
 
     The past has been a good teacher of things not to do.  However, if you sense things are not right somehow, set your boundaries and accept things as they are with the end result in mind. Who wants to invite unrest into their home? 

     For the Braided Family members reading this, Proverbs 12:25 says that an anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up! If you are the anxious one, no matter what might be spoken about you, the Comforter has your back and truth will keep your heart.

     I wish you a day of discovery filled with peace in your thoughts and heart that will surpass all understanding.

     ~Tricia

     I desire to believe most people participating in electronic or Internet chat groups are emotionally healthy and experience positive gain from the understanding and insights received and shared. However, I encourage the realization there are both writers/posters and recipients of information exchanges who might not be as emotionally sound as they appear in the on-line arena.

     I do implore chat forum participants to be aware of their contribution content as well as to be mindful about the information they take into consideration for possible application. The saying iron sharpens iron is true in the reverse as well - discontentment can beget discontentment. We can all agree that participants each have enough stress without borrowing additional woes because they sound similar to our own situation. To reduce the risk of having an adverse impact personally or on others, here are some points to consider:

1) Caution: Electronic support provides a venue without face-to-face limitations. It allows participants to express openly and honestly about things which they might hold back otherwise. Contributors sharing insights with others, likewise, can freely contribute, yet need to be conscientious of the power of their words and suggestions. People with good intentions might, without malice or intent to harm, sidetrack someone with serious issues. A goal of this posting is to increase awareness to reduce the risk of an adverse experience for both the sender and the receiver.

2) Match it. Seekers of support through social networks would do well to weigh their needs and expectations for their participation with the moderator's qualifications. There is a place for all levels of support. However, if the needs and situation in one's household escalates, it is important to increase the scale of support qualifications where solutions are being sought. There are noteworthy differences to be considered for respective needs and desired outcomes.

3) Thoughtful consideration. Before acting upon advise, one could have greater gain by writing it out; consider the prospective outcomes of the information if applied to his or her own situation. Sometimes, seeing it on paper changes our perspective.

4) Mindfulness. Be mindful, although family settings might appear similar, what works well in one household, might not reap the same hoped for results in another. Personalities vary, family and individual histories are unique in all cases. Similar to the point above, all would be wise to give adequate consideration of advise before either offering it or acting upon it unless an established relationship has been built on legitimacy of training, resources and trust.

5) Privacy/Exposure. Discussions in electronic support venues are visible to any computer user who wants to read the posted messages. Lookie-Loos and unhealthy individuals can participate without revealing anything about themselves, including their presence, to other participants and sign up under false identification. 

     For their good elements of e-friendships and expansion of social circles, information sharing and support that they offer, as long as participants are aware of the benefits and risks as they relate to their own well-being as well as the well-being of others, Internet-based Social Chats and Network groups appear to be here to stay. If you have any response to this posting, please send it to CustomerCare@StepfamilySystems.com. For our research group, if you would like to share your experience with on-line stepfamily or shared-parenting support, please send to ResearchResponse@StepfamilySystems.com.

Well wishes and a smile,

~ Tricia