The Child Watching© 1990, Patricia Hope Powe, all rights reserved
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Instead of feeling hideously sick at the thought of talking to your ex-spouse, instead of wishing his breaks to fail – think of the child watching. 
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Instead of total anger and loathsome resentment, deep hatred and deadly bitterness – think of the child watching.  See his blue, brown or green eyes, her long straight or curly hair; look at them and think of the good times you once shared.  
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Yes, you were together and out of your union a child, pure, sweet and innocent was born. Your son’s identity is found in the two of you. While you continue to hate and feud, yelling ugly and vile things, your daughter sits on her bed, ears plugged, rocking back and forth, ALONE in her room. 
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After the fighting on the porch, the car gone mad and doors have slammed, after the arguing to each get your way, everyone is found tense at the end of the day. After you have gone to bed and you are soundly sleeping, your son lays in the dark, wiping away tears – quietly weeping. 
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As the clock ticks hours away, your daughter wonders why she was ever born. She longs to give and receive abundant love but she knows there are conditions and her loyalties are unfairly torn. 
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Every child deserves it – to unconditionally show and be given mother’s and father’s love and to know limitless laughter. Yet, this son and daughter, knowing none, are contemplating the life hereafter.  
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Please, please think of your children’s hearts, their minds and smiles and love them more than you loathe your ex-mate. One day they will be grown up and gone; you want them filled with confidence and love not uncertainties and hate.  
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When you feel the urge to rant and rave, and in those moments you wished your ex was in a grave, and when you are pumping that child for information – stop! You are only hurting your child with your interrogation.
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When you look into your child’s face and find you are filled with anger and bordering on rage – think of the child watching … wanting to run away and escape. 
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You see, in this existence we call life, we often get just what we expect. Begin now – choose now – to capture your thoughts and you direct their path. Make a new road for your child and yourself; create a life path that leads to wholeness and happiness, and one of endless spiritual wealth.  
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Get off the selfish highways of “not his, but MY way” and seek to make your child’s world a better place. Step out of your circumstances and into his for a while, lest you, otherwise, find yourself mourning the loss of your child.
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Bitterness will churn your insides while drawing you in to dwell on the unfairness of your pain; I'm warning you, he won't let go until he gets you to act in haste. The feelings he calls forth will eventually join his cohorts Anger and Fear. They will side against you and throw you into the flaming arms of Hatred, and use your son to cloud love that once was clear.
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They will chide and poke you when you do not get your way. They will penetrate your thoughts to become a raging cascade. You just want the other parent gone, "That's it!" you said. "I'm done!"
It's not really you or your ex-spouse that Bitterness, Anger, Fear and Hatred are after, its your daughter and son...

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 There are more stories that personify feelings in earlier postings in the Alienation series. Look for more in the next edition of ACES: Stepfamily Focal Points Corner stories, professional articles and SAM planning coming in June.  I have taken a break from Facebook to complete some written work that I had started in the 90s but could not finish because Alzheimer's paid my family a costly visit. It has always been my passion to draw attention to the unseen battle of stepfamily and shared-parenting living gone awry. I expect to return around May 30.
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Please note, subscriptions to access Step Family Focal Points Corner must be processed by the 15th of each month in order to process access codes for the 1st of the following month.
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~Tricia

StepfamilySystems.com: A bird's eye view

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Our detailed vision and goal of increasing satisfaction with shared parenting lifestyles includes our specialty planning with single, remarried and step parents. No one takes a trip from California to New York without a plan for the journey and a map to guide their trek. Our services were born out of need and, for many, will create the link that has been missing and, in part, caused "I do" to become "I don't anymore - I want a divorce".
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Stepfamily Assimilation and Shared-Parenting Management Planning - SAM for short - inherently results in reducing the risk factors of academic neglect in a child's learning journey as well as decreasing at-risk behaviors. Increasing the opportunities for family stability and enjoyment and for children to perform their best academically just makes sense!
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Our hallmark and most unique support program is provided through specialty stories we write and publish exclusively on StepfamilySystems.com - "A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles". Previews of all three families' stories are found when you place your cursor on the stories tab in the menu [at StepfamilySystems.com]. The series continues by subscription and is paired with articles from financial planners, attorneys, mediators, therapists and authors, family fun and activities ideas, etc.
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These true-to-life stories, will ride the inherent waves of challenge faced by blended-families and shared-parenting households. Some are single parent, divorced/remarried parents and stepparents struggling to find a way to make co-raising kids from two different homes easier and without constant conflict.
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The Stepfamily Chronicles' stories personify Bitterness and her cohorts, Hatred and Fear. Among others, they demonstrate the unseen challenges of uncaptured thoughts and the need for directing your self-talk. In addition to the "A Richter Blend" previews available, you can find more of our short stories as examples in the Alienation series in our Q & A/Blog which started Feb. 12, I believe. Anyone can subscribe to the Family Focal Points Corner for constant access and other information requested by subscribers.
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They give you bird's eye views into the minds of the characters in the fictitious town of Port Hills. This is the unseen battlefield of stepfamily and shared-parenting wars highlighted in our self-help notebook and six-week series presented the first time in 1990 at a private elementary school and Riverside Community College. I'm the quiet old lady on the block of stepfamily support, although, some of posts have sparked some detailed exchanges of thoughts.
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The stories at "A Richer Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles" are a novel in constant motion or for those who watch daytime/primetime series, they might resemble 24, Prison Break, The Young and the Restless or, my era's show - Knott's Landing (1980s)! They will irk you, cause you to shake your head in agreement or frustration and possibly move your heart strings while grabbing for a Kleenex tissue.
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About our other programs:

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It is important that you match your needs to the qualifications of the service providers you choose. We leave no stone unturned during the SAM planning process - where stepfamilies begin or can begin again. We cover the benefits/drawbacks of peer support, coaches, mediators and therapists. We are uniquely positioned at the starting line for your blended family journey. Having a comprehensive SAM Plan in place will reduce the risks of facing new litigation or of subsequent divorce.

Through independent research, by 1990 it was discovered, for a host of many reasons such as cost, and a distrust of mental health services that many people would not obtain traditional support for their stepfamily and shared parenting woes. They shunned psychological counseling and they leaned on the outcomes of stories shared by friends and family. We found still others who simply suffered in silence and faced certain divorce over many preventable issues.
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Many were caught in painful circumstances being fuelled by adversarial family law systems. Stepping In for Successful Blended Family Living was developed in San Bernardino County, CA and SAM Planning was born to fill the gap. 16 years later we managed an experiential run of StepfamilySystems.com and introduced our consulting and the idea of creating a single stepfamily resources database. Today, among others, we recommend the National Stepfamily Resource Center as part of our planning and referral sources. It is not difficult to find a quality therapist with both personal and professional experience working with stepfamily members.
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In addition to the writing program for stepfamily support, which is followed by insights shared by the Stepfamily Strategy Team, we invite you to check out the Service Shop!

We are:

Mediation-based SAM Planning/Consulting: you determine the level of our involvement. As noted, we are mediation-based (ABA-Approved course, Mosten Mediation, 1998) planning, providing strategies for success. Part of planning includes a customized list of local and national resources comprised of therapists, parenting classes, and more. Three levels of support: Free Q & A/BLog, Low Cost - Family Focal Points Corner, Customized SAM Planning option. It helps to cut the chaos.

Solutions minded: While we cannot avoid addressing and acknowledging past experiences, we focus on today's choices as the foundation for your journey tomorrow and because we are solutions minded.

Short-term, as needed: There are no long-term commitments. Because of its low cost, stepfamily adults, parents and grown-children, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends can access the unique support of the Stepfamily Chronicles and a variety of other information in StepfamilySystems.com Family Focal Points Corner.

Client directed, not therapist guided or directed. During planning we source local and national support options as one part of your plan in the event you want to access psychological counseling or crisis services either simultaneously or in the future. Children do not come with personalized guides, but your stepfamily can have its personalized plan whether you are just beginning or beginning again.

To the Point. For us to know what your needs are, you are encouraged to communicate. We understand work schedules and family activities and we make E-assistance available to meet your scheduling needs. Some E-assistance or phone communication comes with most orders in our service shop. Some use it. Others do not. It is your choice!

Affordable, cost-effective: Family Focal Points Corner $8/monthly* - the cost of a weekly latte or large coffee can make anyone the champion of their family while also helping others.

*4% helps StepfamilySystems save for establishing its 501c3 status and programs, (already a member of the Non-Profit Resource Center) and 8% helps teachers with art supplies and to establish school-based, family art-therapy programs. Write to Schools@StepfamilySystems.com)

We have been recognized in two Who's Who publications (1994, Sterling's and 2006, Manchester) for our innovative approach to stepfamily and shared-parenting support. Come, plan with us; it could make all the difference.

Take care of your whole being and you will feel well, and relate to others better in the workplace and at home. StepfamilySystems.com work is based on two decades of independent research, mediation-based principles, strategies and opinion. I am here for you today because of the kindness of Emily Visher - co-founder of the SAA. She invited me to her home in 1990 before my first presentation and I left with her stamp of approval and my work has intermittently continued since. I will always be grateful. One day, I hope I will finally connect with Jeannette Lofas. I recently found a note from when we were supposed to have met in 1996 in Orange County, CA! All things in due season.
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I wish you the best in your quest for stepfamily and shared-parenting success,

Tricia Powe, the Stepfamily Strategist

1. Independent Researcher (Creater of ACES: (Step) Family Focal Points, 1990


2. Divorce Mediation Certification (ABA-approved course, Mosten Mediation, Los Angeles, 1998)


3. Certification in Philanthropy and Development (La Sierra University's School of Business, Center for Philanthropy, 2009)

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After posting the recap of my stepfamily's journey, I was asked if it was okay to tell the children "the truth of the situation". This is a loaded question, but I will explain my opinion. Like many parents whose former spouses were unfaithful or exceedingly unkind, a divorced husband (DH) was deeply hurting over unjustified rejection and ill-treatment by his children who do not know the truth about the break up of their parents marriage. His former wife (FW) has not come to terms with the consequences of her past choices and wants to "leave the past alone". (Self-protection is a natural response when we feel threatened, but it does not justify cover-ups that harm others.)
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My research has found that, quite often, it is the unfaithful or bitter parent who acts out against the other parent the most, especially when the parent they divorced finds new love and remarries. It is as though a bitterness, guilt or jealousy switch flips, driving them to the brink of imbalance.
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Perhaps it is fear of being blamed or called a bad parent that they feel they must denigrate the appearance of their children's other parent. This is quite common among those who have shared with me throughout the years. In an effort to drive distance between the children and the target-parent, an alienating parent often hopes to keep their past choices and stories in the dark. They often create an alliance with the children through subtle put-downs or outright denigration efforts toward the other parent/stepparent. How could a healthy, loving parent justify such behavior?
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Remember, parental alienation behaviors are gender neutral.  In the above case, for example, DH had been willing to go into marital counseling and do whatever was necessary to keep the family together. The children live primarily with their mother and she has not told the truth about the break up of the marriage. Instead, she has allowed them to speak the mistruths as though they were fact. His children have been treating him as though all the difficulties they have gone through are his or his new wife's fault. He wants to speak up and have equal grounds for an on-going relationship with the children he loves. 
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[Reminder to read the terms and disclosure, if you have not.] Let me clarify - First, I am not a therapist and I am not providing you that type of intervention or help directly. I am a lifetime stepfamily member/independent researcher/certified Divorce Mediator. When my own family was faced with the inherent challenges of shared-parenting, I became an independent researcher. This work lead to the writing of my first shared-parenting and stepfamily assimilation planning course. I presented the discoveries as a six-week series twice in 1990 and have continued to participate in passive stepfamily research activities until October 2009. I have enjoyed a full-time commitment ever since. Hence, there is a documented 20-year history as a parent-child advocate in remarriage settings. Admittedly, I am one of the few service and support providers that will tell you I am part of a stepfamily that has yet to effectively blend but has 25 years of a single marriage under her belt. I am still hopeful and this catches people's attention and elicits questions.
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I earned certification in Divorce Mediation in 1998 from American Bar Approved instructor Forrest "Woody" Mosten - not from a course someone invented to generate cash flow without credentials. Still, nothing you read here should take the place of consulting with an attorney, a therapist, etc. I have never used my skills outside of research and shared-parenting and stepfamily forensic activities.
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The question, "I want to tell my children the truth, should I?" is a loaded one. Here is my opinion based on everything you just read. Yes, children should know the truth but not be given a flood of inappropriate details and, certainly, the information needs to be presented in an age-appropriate manner, AND I suggest contacting a therapist and presenting the information to the child with all parents and stepparents present whenever possible – especially when a large amount of time has passed, making disclosure more difficult for one or both parents.
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Having a therapist present can help everyone process the information more effectively and can lessen the risk for an out-of-control situation arising. In the 1980s we were advised to "keep the children out of the middle" – however, that route has been a disservice to many as the years have gone by. Waiting until the children were grown to defend themselves, the damages related to being given only one interpretation was already done. I compare not telling the truth to giving one parent a stick and a yard glove and the other a metal bat and Rawlings Glove for the same baseball game.
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Alienation behaviors are child abuse. They rob children of a relationship with their other parent and set the children up to wrestle with feelings of abandonment or rejection, self-worth and even guilt if they later realize how poorly an imperfect, but committed parent was treated. These are sentences they could carry for the rest of their lives. 
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Some adult-children and their target-parents make a reconnection, but the lost years are history. They now have the opportunity to create a new future! If you or someone you know is in the midst of such an experience, or if you are a well-blended stepfamily, you are invited to participate in the StepfamilySystems Stepfamily Satisfaction and Parental Alienation Experience Survey. We are gathering the statistical data critics say is lacking. You have voice here. Speak out loud! ~Tricia 

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As I sat outside in the cool of the morning, the birds were fluttering in playful flight in and around the trees and grass. My mind was sent back to a moment my daughter shared with me not too long ago which involved the 92-year-old man that lived here from 1963 until we moved in as renters on our 23rd wedding anniversary in 2008. His age lead me also to rethink our family's 25-year journey and to reflect on the hope we cling to to override the pain of lost years with two of my stepchildren.
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I have heard many who say things will never get better. In some cases this will be true. In others, life events over the course of time can bring a change of heart and attitude. Fact is, until the other parent/s are ready to have peace, you are not going to have it between households. Where you CAN have it is in your own heart and home. That is where you do have control.
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Never stop hoping. Own your past, present and future choices. Self-educate, find support (plug here for SAm planning with StepfamilySystems, of course!). You will benefit from making the changes you can, letting go of what you cannot, and never stop hoping. If you have not participated in the Stepfamily Satisfaction Survey, please do. Sound families create a sound country. ~Tricia