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Stepfamily Strategy Team Contributors (See Terms of Use/Disclaimer Tab)
[Stepfamily Strategy Team Contributors are sharing information as a community service.
While the information on this website may have therapeutic benefits, visiting this website does not constitute
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As a free service to you, please check the Resources page for some listed support venues. You will find many providers offer
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. "Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage
is the triumph of hope over experience." ~ Oscar Wilde, 1854 - 1900. . Stepfamily
Strategy Team Contributors:  BIO:Jacquelyn B. Fletcher is a stepdaughter, stepmother of three children, and mother of one. She is the author of A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom (HarperCollins, 2007), which was a 2009 Gold Recipient of the Mom’s Choice Award and received an iParenting Media Excellence Award. She is the host of the popular Stepmom Circles Podcast and the co-founder of The Stepfamily Letter Project. She offers one-on-one coaching to stepmothers who are in need of support, education, and inspiration. Visit her at www.becomingastepmom.com or email becomingastepmom@gmail.com. .
.
Emily Bouchard is a specialist in building
strong, lasting relationships that allow people to thrive in their lives. For over 20 years Emily has worked with children,
individuals, couples and families building skills to overcome significant challenges. In 2003, she founded www.Blended-Families.com,
LLC, where expert coaches make a positive difference in the lives of thousands of stepfamilies. A leading expert in the field,
Emily has been featured on numerous TV and Radio shows including The Today Show and NPR, and has been quoted in print around
the world, in publications such as Newsweek and The New York Times. http://www.blended-families.com/. .
. Episode: Heavy load, Vera Normandy [New character introduction] Step By Step Mediation Services, Brenda Hooper CFM,CCR: At 14 years of age, Katherine`s typical reaction is that she understands but does not accept the divorce. She may blame herself for the divorce. She may feel angry and disillusioned. Katherine may have feelings of abandonment by her father since he left the marriage. Preteen and adolescents (11-18 years) often show extreme behaviour (good and bad). Vera needs to maintain two-way communication. Keep routines and maintain rules. Remind Katherine that her parents own the problem and free her from any guilt. Vera also needs to make sure that she does not involve Katherine in the parental struggles or use her as a replacement partner to discuss adult problems with her. Vera and Katherine can honour family rituals (Sunday dinner, holiday traditions) while at the same time start to create new rituals (monthly movie, special dinner out) Vera should also encourage Katherine to create new rituals with her father to maintain their relationship. Separation & Divorce is a
process that occurs long before the couples actually separate. The person who chooses to leave “Leavor”
is usually ahead in this process while the “Leavee” needs more time. Researchers have found that in most cases it takes about two years to fully recover from separation
and that the process of recovery is similar to the grieving process.The
stages of separation or divorce are: 1. Shock 2. Anger 3. Transition 4. Acceptance
. People may not go through all the stages in this order and
they may also “flip flop” through these stages. The task for Vera is to: 1. Acknowledge
the loss 2. Reclaim Herself
3.
Resolve Anger/Resentment 4. Deal with changes
in her other relationships (ex inlaws/mutual friends) 5.
Look for support from family members and friends
6. Deal with finances 7. Gain new confidence 8. Rebuild. . At 14 years of age, Katherine`s typical reaction is that she understands but does not accept the divorce. She may blame herself for the divorce. She
may feel angry and disillusioned. Katherine may have feelings of abandonment by her father since he left the marriage.
Preteen and adolescents (11-18 years) often show extreme behaviour (good and bad). . Vera needs to maintain two-way communication. Keep routines and maintain rules. Remind Katherine
that her parents own the problem and free her from any guilt. Vera also needs to make sure that she does not involve
Katherine in the parental struggles or use her as a replacement partner to discuss adult problems with her. Vera and Katherine can honour family rituals (Sunday dinner, holiday traditions)
while at the same time start to create new rituals (monthly movie, special dinner out) Vera should also encourage Katherine
to create new rituals with her father to maintain their relationship. . Episode:
Macy's Arrival [Coopertons] and Something to Grey [New character introduction]. Insights and tips provided by Emily
Bouchard . 1. Be Honest and Open
-- know that the right woman will show up who can handle what your "whole package" looks like, baggage and all.
The more she can trust you, the more of a strong foundation you'll have to stand on when times get tough. 2. Wait to Introduce the Kids -- make sure that what you have is serious
enough and special enough to warrant bringing the kids into the mix. They are going to be involved for a long time to come,
hopefully, so you want to make sure that they can trust that this is a significant, important person for them to get to know
and to let into their hearts. 3. Be Consistent -- find
out how he parents his kids and make sure you can be consistent with him. The kids need to know that there are clear
boundaries and rules that they are held to, by both of you. This helps them to feel safe and loved. 4. Make Sure to Make Your Relationship a Priority -- When the children
are with him, they will want all of his time and attention. It's important that the two of you take time to nurture
your relationship as a couple when the kids aren't around so that you can be at ease with giving the children all the time
and attention they want when they're with him. This is a good time to spend with girlfriends, or to spend 1:1 with his
kids, as a way for them to get to know you, and you to know them. 5. Have a Great Sense of Humor -- when things get challenging, being able to laugh loud and often
can make a world of difference. 6. Know that Neither of
You Have Ever Done This Before -- being beginners together can be a great way to tackle dating when their are children
and ex's involved. Choose to be in discovery with each other about what it's like for each of you, and be in a good
mood about learning more about how each of you sees things. . ~ ~
~ . Episode:
Print Trailer: "What am I thinking" [The morning after she has told her husband she wants
a divorce...] When Your Marriage Ends By
Jacquelyn B. Fletcher When two adults have decided to end a marriage, it is a time of chaos, uncertainty, and pain. What do you say to the kids? And when? How can you act like everything is normal when nothing is? How can you minimize the impact the divorce will have on the children’s well-being? This transition will not be easy. But there are things you can do to set you and your family up for less stress and a faster recovery time. Create a structure of support. Be sure that you are surrounded by people you can go to for emotional and financial support if need be. If you feel like you have a place to fall you’ll be in a stronger emotional place to deal with the painful reality of divorce. Vow to never badmouth your ex. No matter how your marriage ended, it’s a bad idea to badmouth your ex to the children. The damage this does to children is hard for them to recover from later in life. Vent to your friends but keep your negative comments to yourself. Be honest but not too
honest. When you tell the children you’re divorcing, be honest up to a point. Kids of all ages don’t need to know the nitty gritty details and the younger they are, the less you need to say. “Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce. This is between us. We just can’t get along. But we both love you and always will.” If you find yourself telling the children things like this, “Daddy left us,” or “Mommy likes her new boyfriend better than our family,” that’s going to hurt your kids. Take the blame.
When there are children in the middle of a divorce they often take responsibility for the end of the marriage. Give these messages to your kids: “This is between your father / mother and I, and has nothing to do with you. This is not your fault.” Just like you have to tell a kid to pick up his dirty socks fifty times before he does it on his own, you’ll have to repeat this message again and again so it really sinks in. Wait
to start something new. Research tells us it usually takes children about three years to process the original grief they feel when parents divorce or a parent dies. Research also says that far too many of us remarry during that three-year window and try to start a new stepfamily before the children have finished their grieving process. If you haven’t married yet, consider waiting if it’s been less than three years since their first family fell apart. If you’re already married, remember that a lot of the children’s behavior is likely being fueled by sadness. Give yourself
time to heal. Kids aren’t the only ones who need time to heal. Take this opportunity to really do some deep work on yourself. Work with a coach or counselor to help you heal and to harvest the gifts you’ve received from this difficult event in your life. Stepfamily expert Jacquelyn B. Fletcher is the author of A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom, host of the popular Stepmom Circles Podcast and the co-founder of The Stepfamily Letter Project. She offers one-on-one coaching to stepmothers who are in need of support, education, and inspiration. Visit her at www.becomingastepmom.com or email becomingastepmom@gmail.com.
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BIO: Tricia H. Powe is a lifetime stepfamily member and possesses certifications in Philanthropy (La
Sierra U) and Divorce Mediation (Mosten, Los Angeles). As an independent researcher since the late 1980s, she has pioneered
and specializes in stepfamily assimilation management planning (SAM), and is presently tackling the parental alienation controversy.
Powe is the Creative Director of A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles, the prime-time type print series offered
exclusively through Family Focal Points Corner (Preview through Jan. 14). She and her husband of 25
years have varied relationships with their five children, combined. 
BIO: Bob Collins, an Arkansas State Certified Domestic Mediator, personal coach,
and stepfamily teacher, has been helping breaking and broken families since 1996. He teaches local support groups, as well
as speaking and teaching classes and audiences of stepparents and conducting private Mediation/Coaching sessions in person
and via teleconference around the world. His series of class workbooks and family guides has earned praise and respect from
private counselors and church groups. Read more about "the STEPcoach" at
