.There is a point that comes up repeatedly. How do we deal with cranky and disrespectful, sometimes mean, step/children?
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It might help if one can see cranky and manipulative children as wounded puppies or birds with broken wings. They can be testy, snip, peck and strike out in their pain. Our role as their caregivers is to nurture them with the understanding they are wounded and to do our part as best we can through the best efforts we can make – like finding resources that increase our understanding about stepfamily life and shared-parenting, and loving the parent we are with to demonstrate [he/she] is worth loving. 
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If they have become distant due to past distressed co-parenting or they have been programmed through parental alienation behaviors, build an inviting home environment. When they finally come home searching for answers to the years of confusion (might take a long time) parents can be found living in a manner that disproves the stories that were spoken against them. Of course, it helps to move toward restoration, as we realize our bad choices and our errors, if we own them and do not pursue a blame game.
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As always, if your heart suggests therapy or faith-based counseling is needed – do some homework for a positive result. Counseling resources are an invaluable part of what we provide you through Stepfamily Assimilation and Shared-parenting Management (SAM) Planning – a personalized family management planning system we developed in 1990. Also, Coaching has also surged in the last decade as a viable option to going without support services. Some coaches are also therapists. Our Resources page it is only a fraction of what comes in your SAM Plan. Some still choose not to access trained professionals. In such cases, I implore you to recognize personal insights are valuable and professional experience is valuable – one without the other leans toward incomplete.
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With over 11,300 hits last month, I estimate we had several hundred people ready for the 90-days to More Lovin' Challenge, perhaps more!  While we complete some program changes in order for that program to begin, try this in the meantime!
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This post is directed to Braided Families, but anyone can do it and reap huge benefits! For those who want to read a description of the Braided Family, see our Braided Families Page. As you move your mouse over the menu, you will see it pop up.
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Choose a different fruit of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control - one each over the next nine days. Define it. Pray about it. Concentrate on it. Word search the Bible for its use. Make index cards and use sticky notes. Have fun with it. Make yours for the day! Feel it at work in you!
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Enjoy! And while you are at it, visit CafeSmom's blog for a free download of Self-Affirmation Cards. She heard me on one of my guest spots earlier this year - Stepmom's Tool Box with Peggy and Erin. Heather took the concept I have used to help reach 25 years of marriage and gave it beautiful face-lift! I use dingy old index cards and with her kind heart, she put in some time to provide you with this gift: http://wordpress.cafesmom.com/?p=279. Perfect example of one person seed planting, another watering and yet another seeing the fruit at harvest. Thanks, Heather!
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Enjoy working on one of those nine fruits over the next nine days. I hope to hear some great reports! ~ Tricia Journeying with you.

You might want coffee and a pastry for this one: 
Keep in mind there are exceptions to things, so give me some wiggle room, please.
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I share from the perspective of being a stepfamily member all my life – part of my bio is on my website; altogether, it made me who I am today.  I get a post from time to time asking me if I am truly as optimistic and happy as I portray online. It took a commitment and effort beyond measure and, yes, I am. There were stepdads and stepmom/s I never knew, but through whom I have discovered half-siblings, stepsiblings from my current stepdad, and I am a stepmother and biological mom in what many classify as the second wives club. I was a childless stepmom for 2.5 years. I might note here, that labels and the titles we seek can adversely impact blending - more on that in the Summer session of StepfamilySystems Family Focal Point Corner.
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The brief bio posted so that others can see that I "get it" from having lived it.  Believe me, we all make mistakes along the way. Many stepmoms and parents, alike find themselves frustrated when things are not going as well as they like. Emotinoal peace for me has meant being quick to own my part in things gone awry - I have done things with the right motive but the wrong method of application!  Owning your part and being forgiving is the best you can do.
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I spent years trying to fix our dual-household relationships, but my efforts made things worse! Through conversational research and most recently through our website surveys, it was confirmed that until a hurting parent or stepparent realizes and accepts things (remarriage of former spouse, for example) as they are and [he/she] decides [he/she] is ready for change, they probably isn't going to be any peace. When all the parties are willing to come to the table, lay down the bitter-hatchet, be honest and actually want peace themselves, then you can move forward in new and wonderful ways to enjoy the future years together and more fully.  
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I came to FB last year to start a chat venue to facilitate stronger blended family relationships and decrease the risks of divorce faced by second and subsequent marriages. However, I found one already in the works. 
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A point I make with stepmoms on a regular basis is that they will fair much better in their roles when they truly see the stepmom role as a complementary one rather than as one competing through unnecessary comparisons or with constant put-downs of biological mom. Listen to your self-talk - it influences how you feel and what you say. The words we speak with repititiveness impact how we feel. How we feel impacts our choices. Our choices impact ourselves and those we love. Words mean things.

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To support families of the Christian faith, I started a FB group called Braided Families Stepfamily Group on FB. Over the past couple of weeks, I have noticed some strong angst between biological and step moms in some areas oline.
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Last night I tried to make a point that no mother likes to feel usurped, disrespected or negated – especially when they might already be wrestling with guilt or shame from past mistakes. These moms really let their momma bear claws out – for selfish reasons, sometimes, and their defensive measures are off and running.
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Most stepmoms must wrestle with and accept their role with pride for the award-winning, support role they play and >>accepted<< when they said, “I do”. Unfortunately, many stepmoms, have a hard time with the title of “step”, its definition and unclear parameters; left unchecked, it is – in my opinion, the downfall of many marriages where former spouses are blamed for the subsequent divorce.
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Today, I am addressing an attitude of respect – or lack of it – toward our previously married husbands (DH). Since 1990, I have emphasized thought life as the key to success and failure of stepfamilies. I evidence this in the Alienation series on the Q & A/Blog's older posts in Feb/March as well as in the “A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles” series.
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The Alienation series and the Chronicles have wrought E-mail from men and women saying they were brought to tears, or squeezed by one emotion or another. We are looking at taking the series to film and have the process in the works (looks like a two-year project, or more). Back to the mind - who can capture it? YOU can and it is the key to your peace and pleasure, and enjoyment in marriage and as a blended family. Even in my case, where alienation behaviors caused damage, my marriage stayed in tact because of the research and belief the battle for most stepfamilies is won and lost in how we think as parents and stepparents.
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Stepmoms, specifically, I implore you to make your marriage the focus of your efforts. If you are - great, but if not, consider this; no husband have I met in my classes or through planning who did not feel disrespected when his wife has gone against his wishes - especially where his ex and children are concerned. I am speaking about backing down when he asks you to back off communicating with his former wife. Who knows, if you will step back long enough, he will step up where you have pushed him aside.
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I urge you to put that energy into your marriage & home environment where you have control; make it the place your family enjoys together. Sounds to me like DHs wants to step up but will they when so many second wives quickly run to the front line. This possibly causes him to feel his authority is being usurped which can damage your marriage. Make sense? You can win an award for your supportive role - it is not a small thing! Long term results will be in favor of your marriage... food for thought. For more, be sure to subscribe to our Step Family Focal Points Corner.

~Tricia, President
Mediator, StepfamilySystems.com
Creative Director, A Richter Blend Stepfamily Chronicles
Columnist (waiting for photo upload repairs) Riverside Blended Families Examiner

The Child Watching© 1990, Patricia Hope Powe, all rights reserved
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Instead of feeling hideously sick at the thought of talking to your ex-spouse, instead of wishing his breaks to fail – think of the child watching. 
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Instead of total anger and loathsome resentment, deep hatred and deadly bitterness – think of the child watching.  See his blue, brown or green eyes, her long straight or curly hair; look at them and think of the good times you once shared.  
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Yes, you were together and out of your union a child, pure, sweet and innocent was born. Your son’s identity is found in the two of you. While you continue to hate and feud, yelling ugly and vile things, your daughter sits on her bed, ears plugged, rocking back and forth, ALONE in her room. 
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After the fighting on the porch, the car gone mad and doors have slammed, after the arguing to each get your way, everyone is found tense at the end of the day. After you have gone to bed and you are soundly sleeping, your son lays in the dark, wiping away tears – quietly weeping. 
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As the clock ticks hours away, your daughter wonders why she was ever born. She longs to give and receive abundant love but she knows there are conditions and her loyalties are unfairly torn. 
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Every child deserves it – to unconditionally show and be given mother’s and father’s love and to know limitless laughter. Yet, this son and daughter, knowing none, are contemplating the life hereafter.  
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Please, please think of your children’s hearts, their minds and smiles and love them more than you loathe your ex-mate. One day they will be grown up and gone; you want them filled with confidence and love not uncertainties and hate.  
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When you feel the urge to rant and rave, and in those moments you wished your ex was in a grave, and when you are pumping that child for information – stop! You are only hurting your child with your interrogation.
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When you look into your child’s face and find you are filled with anger and bordering on rage – think of the child watching … wanting to run away and escape. 
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You see, in this existence we call life, we often get just what we expect. Begin now – choose now – to capture your thoughts and you direct their path. Make a new road for your child and yourself; create a life path that leads to wholeness and happiness, and one of endless spiritual wealth.  
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Get off the selfish highways of “not his, but MY way” and seek to make your child’s world a better place. Step out of your circumstances and into his for a while, lest you, otherwise, find yourself mourning the loss of your child.
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Bitterness will churn your insides while drawing you in to dwell on the unfairness of your pain; I'm warning you, he won't let go until he gets you to act in haste. The feelings he calls forth will eventually join his cohorts Anger and Fear. They will side against you and throw you into the flaming arms of Hatred, and use your son to cloud love that once was clear.
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They will chide and poke you when you do not get your way. They will penetrate your thoughts to become a raging cascade. You just want the other parent gone, "That's it!" you said. "I'm done!"
It's not really you or your ex-spouse that Bitterness, Anger, Fear and Hatred are after, its your daughter and son...

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 There are more stories that personify feelings in earlier postings in the Alienation series. Look for more in the next edition of ACES: Stepfamily Focal Points Corner stories, professional articles and SAM planning coming in June.  I have taken a break from Facebook to complete some written work that I had started in the 90s but could not finish because Alzheimer's paid my family a costly visit. It has always been my passion to draw attention to the unseen battle of stepfamily and shared-parenting living gone awry. I expect to return around May 30.
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Please note, subscriptions to access Step Family Focal Points Corner must be processed by the 15th of each month in order to process access codes for the 1st of the following month.
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~Tricia

StepfamilySystems.com: A bird's eye view

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Our detailed vision and goal of increasing satisfaction with shared parenting lifestyles includes our specialty planning with single, remarried and step parents. No one takes a trip from California to New York without a plan for the journey and a map to guide their trek. Our services were born out of need and, for many, will create the link that has been missing and, in part, caused "I do" to become "I don't anymore - I want a divorce".
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Stepfamily Assimilation and Shared-Parenting Management Planning - SAM for short - inherently results in reducing the risk factors of academic neglect in a child's learning journey as well as decreasing at-risk behaviors. Increasing the opportunities for family stability and enjoyment and for children to perform their best academically just makes sense!
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Our hallmark and most unique support program is provided through specialty stories we write and publish exclusively on StepfamilySystems.com - "A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles". Previews of all three families' stories are found when you place your cursor on the stories tab in the menu [at StepfamilySystems.com]. The series continues by subscription and is paired with articles from financial planners, attorneys, mediators, therapists and authors, family fun and activities ideas, etc.
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These true-to-life stories, will ride the inherent waves of challenge faced by blended-families and shared-parenting households. Some are single parent, divorced/remarried parents and stepparents struggling to find a way to make co-raising kids from two different homes easier and without constant conflict.
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The Stepfamily Chronicles' stories personify Bitterness and her cohorts, Hatred and Fear. Among others, they demonstrate the unseen challenges of uncaptured thoughts and the need for directing your self-talk. In addition to the "A Richter Blend" previews available, you can find more of our short stories as examples in the Alienation series in our Q & A/Blog which started Feb. 12, I believe. Anyone can subscribe to the Family Focal Points Corner for constant access and other information requested by subscribers.
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They give you bird's eye views into the minds of the characters in the fictitious town of Port Hills. This is the unseen battlefield of stepfamily and shared-parenting wars highlighted in our self-help notebook and six-week series presented the first time in 1990 at a private elementary school and Riverside Community College. I'm the quiet old lady on the block of stepfamily support, although, some of posts have sparked some detailed exchanges of thoughts.
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The stories at "A Richer Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles" are a novel in constant motion or for those who watch daytime/primetime series, they might resemble 24, Prison Break, The Young and the Restless or, my era's show - Knott's Landing (1980s)! They will irk you, cause you to shake your head in agreement or frustration and possibly move your heart strings while grabbing for a Kleenex tissue.
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About our other programs:

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It is important that you match your needs to the qualifications of the service providers you choose. We leave no stone unturned during the SAM planning process - where stepfamilies begin or can begin again. We cover the benefits/drawbacks of peer support, coaches, mediators and therapists. We are uniquely positioned at the starting line for your blended family journey. Having a comprehensive SAM Plan in place will reduce the risks of facing new litigation or of subsequent divorce.

Through independent research, by 1990 it was discovered, for a host of many reasons such as cost, and a distrust of mental health services that many people would not obtain traditional support for their stepfamily and shared parenting woes. They shunned psychological counseling and they leaned on the outcomes of stories shared by friends and family. We found still others who simply suffered in silence and faced certain divorce over many preventable issues.
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Many were caught in painful circumstances being fuelled by adversarial family law systems. Stepping In for Successful Blended Family Living was developed in San Bernardino County, CA and SAM Planning was born to fill the gap. 16 years later we managed an experiential run of StepfamilySystems.com and introduced our consulting and the idea of creating a single stepfamily resources database. Today, among others, we recommend the National Stepfamily Resource Center as part of our planning and referral sources. It is not difficult to find a quality therapist with both personal and professional experience working with stepfamily members.
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In addition to the writing program for stepfamily support, which is followed by insights shared by the Stepfamily Strategy Team, we invite you to check out the Service Shop!

We are:

Mediation-based SAM Planning/Consulting: you determine the level of our involvement. As noted, we are mediation-based (ABA-Approved course, Mosten Mediation, 1998) planning, providing strategies for success. Part of planning includes a customized list of local and national resources comprised of therapists, parenting classes, and more. Three levels of support: Free Q & A/BLog, Low Cost - Family Focal Points Corner, Customized SAM Planning option. It helps to cut the chaos.

Solutions minded: While we cannot avoid addressing and acknowledging past experiences, we focus on today's choices as the foundation for your journey tomorrow and because we are solutions minded.

Short-term, as needed: There are no long-term commitments. Because of its low cost, stepfamily adults, parents and grown-children, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends can access the unique support of the Stepfamily Chronicles and a variety of other information in StepfamilySystems.com Family Focal Points Corner.

Client directed, not therapist guided or directed. During planning we source local and national support options as one part of your plan in the event you want to access psychological counseling or crisis services either simultaneously or in the future. Children do not come with personalized guides, but your stepfamily can have its personalized plan whether you are just beginning or beginning again.

To the Point. For us to know what your needs are, you are encouraged to communicate. We understand work schedules and family activities and we make E-assistance available to meet your scheduling needs. Some E-assistance or phone communication comes with most orders in our service shop. Some use it. Others do not. It is your choice!

Affordable, cost-effective: Family Focal Points Corner $8/monthly* - the cost of a weekly latte or large coffee can make anyone the champion of their family while also helping others.

*4% helps StepfamilySystems save for establishing its 501c3 status and programs, (already a member of the Non-Profit Resource Center) and 8% helps teachers with art supplies and to establish school-based, family art-therapy programs. Write to Schools@StepfamilySystems.com)

We have been recognized in two Who's Who publications (1994, Sterling's and 2006, Manchester) for our innovative approach to stepfamily and shared-parenting support. Come, plan with us; it could make all the difference.

Take care of your whole being and you will feel well, and relate to others better in the workplace and at home. StepfamilySystems.com work is based on two decades of independent research, mediation-based principles, strategies and opinion. I am here for you today because of the kindness of Emily Visher - co-founder of the SAA. She invited me to her home in 1990 before my first presentation and I left with her stamp of approval and my work has intermittently continued since. I will always be grateful. One day, I hope I will finally connect with Jeannette Lofas. I recently found a note from when we were supposed to have met in 1996 in Orange County, CA! All things in due season.
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I wish you the best in your quest for stepfamily and shared-parenting success,

Tricia Powe, the Stepfamily Strategist

1. Independent Researcher (Creater of ACES: (Step) Family Focal Points, 1990


2. Divorce Mediation Certification (ABA-approved course, Mosten Mediation, Los Angeles, 1998)


3. Certification in Philanthropy and Development (La Sierra University's School of Business, Center for Philanthropy, 2009)

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After posting the recap of my stepfamily's journey, I was asked if it was okay to tell the children "the truth of the situation". This is a loaded question, but I will explain my opinion. Like many parents whose former spouses were unfaithful or exceedingly unkind, a divorced husband (DH) was deeply hurting over unjustified rejection and ill-treatment by his children who do not know the truth about the break up of their parents marriage. His former wife (FW) has not come to terms with the consequences of her past choices and wants to "leave the past alone". (Self-protection is a natural response when we feel threatened, but it does not justify cover-ups that harm others.)
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My research has found that, quite often, it is the unfaithful or bitter parent who acts out against the other parent the most, especially when the parent they divorced finds new love and remarries. It is as though a bitterness, guilt or jealousy switch flips, driving them to the brink of imbalance.
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Perhaps it is fear of being blamed or called a bad parent that they feel they must denigrate the appearance of their children's other parent. This is quite common among those who have shared with me throughout the years. In an effort to drive distance between the children and the target-parent, an alienating parent often hopes to keep their past choices and stories in the dark. They often create an alliance with the children through subtle put-downs or outright denigration efforts toward the other parent/stepparent. How could a healthy, loving parent justify such behavior?
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Remember, parental alienation behaviors are gender neutral.  In the above case, for example, DH had been willing to go into marital counseling and do whatever was necessary to keep the family together. The children live primarily with their mother and she has not told the truth about the break up of the marriage. Instead, she has allowed them to speak the mistruths as though they were fact. His children have been treating him as though all the difficulties they have gone through are his or his new wife's fault. He wants to speak up and have equal grounds for an on-going relationship with the children he loves. 
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[Reminder to read the terms and disclosure, if you have not.] Let me clarify - First, I am not a therapist and I am not providing you that type of intervention or help directly. I am a lifetime stepfamily member/independent researcher/certified Divorce Mediator. When my own family was faced with the inherent challenges of shared-parenting, I became an independent researcher. This work lead to the writing of my first shared-parenting and stepfamily assimilation planning course. I presented the discoveries as a six-week series twice in 1990 and have continued to participate in passive stepfamily research activities until October 2009. I have enjoyed a full-time commitment ever since. Hence, there is a documented 20-year history as a parent-child advocate in remarriage settings. Admittedly, I am one of the few service and support providers that will tell you I am part of a stepfamily that has yet to effectively blend but has 25 years of a single marriage under her belt. I am still hopeful and this catches people's attention and elicits questions.
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I earned certification in Divorce Mediation in 1998 from American Bar Approved instructor Forrest "Woody" Mosten - not from a course someone invented to generate cash flow without credentials. Still, nothing you read here should take the place of consulting with an attorney, a therapist, etc. I have never used my skills outside of research and shared-parenting and stepfamily forensic activities.
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The question, "I want to tell my children the truth, should I?" is a loaded one. Here is my opinion based on everything you just read. Yes, children should know the truth but not be given a flood of inappropriate details and, certainly, the information needs to be presented in an age-appropriate manner, AND I suggest contacting a therapist and presenting the information to the child with all parents and stepparents present whenever possible – especially when a large amount of time has passed, making disclosure more difficult for one or both parents.
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Having a therapist present can help everyone process the information more effectively and can lessen the risk for an out-of-control situation arising. In the 1980s we were advised to "keep the children out of the middle" – however, that route has been a disservice to many as the years have gone by. Waiting until the children were grown to defend themselves, the damages related to being given only one interpretation was already done. I compare not telling the truth to giving one parent a stick and a yard glove and the other a metal bat and Rawlings Glove for the same baseball game.
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Alienation behaviors are child abuse. They rob children of a relationship with their other parent and set the children up to wrestle with feelings of abandonment or rejection, self-worth and even guilt if they later realize how poorly an imperfect, but committed parent was treated. These are sentences they could carry for the rest of their lives. 
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Some adult-children and their target-parents make a reconnection, but the lost years are history. They now have the opportunity to create a new future! If you or someone you know is in the midst of such an experience, or if you are a well-blended stepfamily, you are invited to participate in the StepfamilySystems Stepfamily Satisfaction and Parental Alienation Experience Survey. We are gathering the statistical data critics say is lacking. You have voice here. Speak out loud! ~Tricia 

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As I sat outside in the cool of the morning, the birds were fluttering in playful flight in and around the trees and grass. My mind was sent back to a moment my daughter shared with me not too long ago which involved the 92-year-old man that lived here from 1963 until we moved in as renters on our 23rd wedding anniversary in 2008. His age lead me also to rethink our family's 25-year journey and to reflect on the hope we cling to to override the pain of lost years with two of my stepchildren.
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I have heard many who say things will never get better. In some cases this will be true. In others, life events over the course of time can bring a change of heart and attitude. Fact is, until the other parent/s are ready to have peace, you are not going to have it between households. Where you CAN have it is in your own heart and home. That is where you do have control.
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Never stop hoping. Own your past, present and future choices. Self-educate, find support (plug here for SAm planning with StepfamilySystems, of course!). You will benefit from making the changes you can, letting go of what you cannot, and never stop hoping. If you have not participated in the Stepfamily Satisfaction Survey, please do. Sound families create a sound country. ~Tricia

     I was born in 1968 at a time when the television show Laugh-in was a hit. Mom was almost 20 and dad was 21. As a result, my name is JoAnne, after JoAnne Worley.  My mom loved her laugh and wears oversized earrings to this day.  My parents met in San Francisco in January of 1967 at the Human Be-In, which was some counterculture activity of their day.  They got married seven months later.  I was born in March. Go ahead and do the math; I did, too.

 

     When I was seven, my parents divorced.  My brother was one and had a different dad.  My brother is the living reminder of my mom’s treatment of my dad; he does not look like me at all. Their lives were going in different directions and mom did not like it.  She wanted to have the stay-at-home life but was not fulfilled being my mom, apparently.  I could tell my dad was somewhat unaware, but I could not tell dad because mom always told me, “We don’t need to say anything about our visits today.” Sometimes I wish they had just put me up for adoption, really. I think keeping me was selfish and they totally screwed me up.

 

     I have seen my dad twice in the past twenty years, both times have been since December. He remarried before my mom. He married Sharon who was six years younger than mom. Mom always referred to her as “the girl” my dad married.  This reminded me that my stepmom was not much older me and it became a deep struggle to look at her as an authority figure – just what mom wanted, but what about the struggle that caused for me when I became a teenage? When I was younger, however, I looked at Sharon as the lady who made dad smile and who liked doing things together with dad and me.  When I came home from visiting dad and Sharon, mom wanted to know everything, which was great until she starting picking at the little things Sharon and my dad did. It made me queasy, but I felt bad that mom was alone. She had a hard time finding the right kind of guy after dad moved out. She told me dad had met someone new before she had the chance to make things better and I felt sorry for her. Today, I see things quite a bit different.

 

     As the years passed, things only got worse. Mom got into several very unpleasant relationships where she got very good at talking about dad and Sharon, and the guys wanted to show off their testosterone. When dad showed up, they snarled at him without a good reason really – they were just mad he showed up and they wanted cash from him, no checks for child support because mom whimpered about it the bank placing a hold on the check. When grandpa came over, she made Sharon sound like a devil, but I knew her differently.

 

     Mom eventually got around to saying Sharon was pretending to be nice because she and dad were going to take me to live with them because she was not a good enough to be my mother. That made me mad. It was all very confusing to me but I began to resent my dad and Sharon for making my mom stress out. I felt protective of mom because dad had Sharon, but mom could not find the right man.

 

     Everything went down hill after mom’s second marriage. Dad left with Sharon and my sisters and little brother.  Sharon and my dad took a lot of garbage from my mom, her boyfriends and a husband who did not know his boundaries. Sharon tried to build a good relationship by taking me shopping a couple times for gifts that my mom shunned on Mother’s Day. She took me for portraits, but my mom would take me not long afterward to Penney’s and send those pictures of me to dad. I could go on for days about the rilvery my mom clearly felt.

 

     It wasn’t until my mom was dying of breast cancer that she apologized for driving him away. She said that every time she looked at Sharon, she felt anger well up inside because she was doing the things my mom wanted to do but had blown the chance to do. She envied her college degree and career, the time she spent with dad and the kids making us feel like a family. She said making Sharon and dad the villain was the only way to survive feeling like a loser. I never thought of mom as a loser. I thought of her as sad.  She apologized for the calls she never told me about and the cards she never gave me and for the misleading things she allowed me to believe so that she would have favor with me. If she could make different choices she would and she hoped I would let my dad and Sharon love me again.

 

     I have since reconnected with dad and Sharon and my sisters and brother. I love the relationships they have. I have realized that dad was just the marrying, one-woman kind. He and Sharon met after mom had filed for divorce. She has made dad happy and I am glad for that since my earliest memories were of his kind smile and walks to Mc Donald’s. I will never get those years back that mom’s jealously and insecurity took away. I was mad but as mom lay there with sorrow in her eyes, it quickly faded. I am grateful for the moment we held hands in the hospital room and for the gift of the truth she left me.

 

Things are not always as they seem. I accept mom's apology, but I will never get the years back that I lost with my dad, Sharon and my siblings. I find it hard to feel comfortable, but I know I am welcome because Sharon kept pictures of me with the family and I was not far from dad's heart.

7:30 a.m.    

Keith had been sitting at his desk since 6:15 a.m. – after all his tossing and turning with his mind unsettled, he went to the office early. Fuelled by only a couple of hours of sleep, he began to feel tired and as though his emotions were hanging on his shirt sleeves. He looked up at the clock and his heart told him his daughter would be finishing breakfast with her Lilo & Stitch backpack leaning against her chair. When they were all under one roof, they were working on creating a new habit together. After she had left her schoolwork at home the third time, he taught her to treat her backpack as if it was a puppy following her around that needed her attention; they had even starting calling the backpack Stitch! He smiled.
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    Taking in a cleansing breath, Keith picked up the phone and dialed Karen. It was early, so he would not have to worry about Bill answering the phone. It rang repeatedly.  Come on and pick up the phone this time. He gave a cheeseburger smile to passers-by as his co-workers began arriving. Finally, he heard a faint, “Hello? Daddy?”
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    “Hi sweetie, how are you doing this morning?” Before he could say anything more the voice changed, “Keith, we are leaving for school. Have a good day,” his soon-to-be former wife, scowled as she folded her phone closed.
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    Pulling a cigarette from his pocket, he got up quickly and left the building. He was happy to have heard Sara-Marie’s voice. He called his father to share the good news, “Dad, I just talked to Sara-Marie. Well, sort of. I heard her say hello before Karen hung up on me.”
.
    “Well, that must make you feel a little better, son. What do you think you will do now?” his father asked.
.
~ ~ ~
.
   In the car, Karen talked to her young daughter. “Listen, Baby, hasn’t Mommy told you not to talk to strangers?”
.
    “Yeah, but daddy is not a stranger,” Sara-Marie responded.
.
    “No, but you don’t get to see him very much anymore, do you?” Alienation insisted she continue, “He could not get here in time for your Wednesday date, could he?”
.
    Sara-Marie dropped her head and uttered, “But he was going to talk to me on the phone, Mommy.”
.
    “Why did he wait until it was time to leave for school? Don’t worry about it. Mommy and Bill love you…”
.
 ~ ~ ~
.
    After pressing out his last cigarette in the oversized, outdoor ashtray, Keith returned to his desk to find a handwritten note, “Please see me when you get in.” It was from his supervisor so he went quickly to her office.
.
    “Come in, Keith,” his 40-something supervisor blurted with one hand covering the phone receiver. She whispered, “Shut the door, too, please. Thank you.”
.
    He was thinking about calling his attorney when her conversation ended. She looked at him with kindness and yet stumbled when she asked, “Keith, is there something I can do? Your attention to detail has fallen. Mrs. Hernandez came in very upset yesterday. You deposited her check into their joint account two weeks ago and she has been bouncing checks for three days.”
.
    “Oh, I am sorry to hear that. She wants to blame me for not being able to balance her checkbook? I don’t get that – sorry.”
.
    “No. What happened was this. You inverted the deposits – the small check went into her private checking account and the large check went into the joint account. Apparently, Mr. Hernandez took out the money and won’t replace it. They are going through a divorce and said this is our teller’s fault and the bank is taking a hit.”
.
    “Are you kidding me? Really? He is being an idiot and I am getting a write-up for it?”
.
    “It’s more than that, Keith. You know it. We understand your situation is a trying one. We have been covering your small errors for a couple months. We know you are going through a serious situation. Now it has impacted your work performance and the bank has to take a pretty serious loss. I am afraid I have to let you go, Keith. I am terribly sorry. There is nothing I can do. I tried to keep you on board.”
.
    His heart was beating like a gorilla, shoving his blood through his veins like never before. “Oh, crap. What am I going to do? I have a daughter to support whose mother will not take this very well.”
.
    She stood up and as she walked to the door, “I will have your check waiting when you finish cleaning out your desk. Again, I am so sorry.”
.
~ ~ ~ 8:50 a.m.   
.
   Sitting in his truck, Keith felt sick, but knew he had to tell Karen what just happened. He would not be able to pay the full support amount for the month; with unemployment so high finding another job was not likely anytime soon. He watched a young couple embracing and kissing in his rear-view mirror. What happened? Where did I go wrong? Now my daughter has parents in two places.
.   
   Fear chided him, “Now you will never get to see your daughter. That’s it. Karen is going to leave with Bill.” Keith shook his head and slammed both palms against his steering wheel…  

.
Friday night, 7:30 p.m. on the porch of their dad’s 1950’s home:   
.
   Eight-year old, red-haired Jack and his older brother, Cody, fiddled with their shoelaces just to stay outside and adjust to where they found themselves. They looked up the street every few seconds. They had only been at their dad’s house for half-an-hour. Jack had arrived with tears in his eyes. Finally, their father opened the screen door with one hand. Raising a glass of tea for a cheer with a smile on his face he said, “Boys, you are not going to grow if you skip meals like this. Why not come in and try what Gina made for dinner? She has your favorite, macaroni and cheese on the table.”
 .
   Cody gave another glance up the street, looked back at his brother and told him, “She isn’t coming, Jack, remember?” With tight lips and big eyes he repeated with emphasis, “Remember?” and approached his brother’s ear and whispered, “If we did not come over here, dad and Gina's going to take us away from mom and grandma. Remember, what she told us. They said mom is a bad mom and they are trying to take us away from her. We better go inside.”   
.
   Still holding the door open as his boys debated entering the house, Randy nodded his head toward the dining room and smiled. The man in the doorway was the dad the boys wanted to hug, but if they did, how would their mom feel? So, they got up together and walked passed their dad.   
.
   Next to the table was their baby sister in her Care Bear high chair, blowing self-produced bubbles as she squealed admiring her own sounds. The boys laughed, Cody gave her hug and they chose their seats. Randy dished out the meal and asked them what they wanted to drink. “Chocolate milk, please,” Cody responded, but Jack said nothing.    
.
   Jack looked up and said, “This doesn’t look like mom’s macaroni and cheese. I don’t want it.”
 .
   Randy put down two glasses of the Hershey’s chocolate milk he just stirred and with his arm around the chair-back where Jack sat, he said, “Son, you are right. Gina makes homemade macaroni and cheese and mom makes it from a box. Both are pretty good – they’re just different. It is kind of like the licorice you get at the little league field, Jack. There are Twizzler Sticks that come connected and there are the individual ones you get in grape and cherry. They taste a little different, but both are good, each in their own way. I assure you, it is tasty.”   
.
   Hungry from all the day’s activities, once Jack forced himself to take a couple bites of Gina’s macaroni and cheese, he asked for a second and a third serving. He relaxed and mealtime went by fast. The boys played with their baby sister while their dad and Gina cleaned up… 
.
~ ~ ~ Sunday, 4:00 p.m.   
.
   The car stereo playing loudly made the windows of house bounce when their mother and her boyfriend pulled up and honked the horn. Jack and Cody gave Randy a hug and warmly waved to Gina as they each picked up an end of their shared suitcase.
.
   Their mom’s boyfriend, Derrick, was leaning against the car, facing the house, when she popped the trunk. “Hi boys, how are you doing?” Derrick looked at Randy instead of the boys.
 .
   “Get in the car, we are taking you home. Aren’t you glad? Your momma sure missed you.”    The boys hugged their mom tightly and made their way into the back seat of the car.  They glanced back as it drove away swiftly and they waved a small good-bye through the side window with their fingertips.
.
   Kendra inhaled and out with her smoke she said, “Boys, tell me how your weekend went. Did Gina or your dad say anything about me?”   
.
   Jack asked, “Well, like what?”    
.
   “Like, did they ask what I have been doing, or if I was dating somebody new? That kind of stuff,” she responded.     
.
   “Well, not really. Mom, we did not want to go in at first.”   
.
   “I don’t blame you,” responded Kendra; Alienation was feeding her thoughts unnoticed.   
.
   “But once we were there a little while, mom, it wasn’t so bad.”   
.
   Cody elbowed Jack, “Jaaaa-ack! Mom doesn’t want to know that.”   
.
   “Well,” Jack rephrased, “I mean it was okay. We got to play with Kennedy, mom; she is soooo cute.”   
.
   Jealousy prodded her mind. “She is not your sister, you know. You don’t have the same mommy. Babies are cute and funny sometimes,” replied Kendra.
.
~ ~ ~
.
   “So, how do you think we did?” Randy asked as he wrapped his arm around his wife to lead her inside. In her baby bliss, Kennedy was unaware of the tension her brothers, mother and father had just maneuvered.    
.
   “Hmmm, not sure, babe. They were so quiet when they arrived, but they were having fun with Kennedy again, like yesterday, before they left; I hope that was enough. Our backyard picnic was fun yesterday, although it was a bit chilly. So, what is with honking? Is this some kind of kid drive-thru?”   
.
   His mind elsewhere, Randy did not address the drive-thru remark, “I wish Sheryl would have been here. She does not seem to care anymore.”   
.
   Gina gently placed her toddler-free hand between Randy’s shoulder blades and began to press with her thumb, firmly and methodically up toward his neck. With a soft voice, she reminded him, “Randy, Sheryl is 14 now. What did you want to do when you were 14? Did you want to hang out with your parents or your friends? You did the right thing by giving her the freedom to choose and to take the pressure off her for your own heart’s sake.”   
.
   “I miss her, Gina. I am afraid she will stop making the effort to come over. I have the stories from other dads. I don’t want to end up with no real connections. Blood doesn’t make the relationship, time together does. I will always have the door open.”   
.
   “She knows that, Randy. You know as well as I do, I am the one she loathes. Our parenting styles are different – Kendra’s and mine, and she has used every opportunity to keep the kids loyal to her instead of allowing them the freedom to give and receive more love into their lives. Her thought-life lead her to view me as a competitor from day one after we got married…” 
.
~ ~ ~ Sunday, 6:30 p.m.   
.
   Derrick was in the living room with a few beer-bottle companions watching wrestling as Kendra called everyone in for dinner. “Just bring my plate in here, and bring a beer with it.”   
.
   The boys and Sheryl joined their mom in the kitchen and began to fill their plates. Cody took the beer his mom handed him and headed for the living room. From behind, he told Derrick his Coors had arrived and took a swig of the bubbly beverage and burped under his breath.   
.
   “Son,” said Derrick, “if your mom knew I let you do this she would kick my butt. You better not tell her. Where is your sister?”   
.
   “She’s at the table already. Aren’t you gonna eat with us?”   
.
   “Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute,” replied Derrick. 
.
~ ~ ~
.
   At the table, Jack stared at the macaroni and cheese, “This doesn’t look like Gina’s macaroni and cheese.”   
.
   In her thoughts, security jumped wildly with Alienation and Jealousy, accelerating Kendra's heart rate. She threw up her hands and asked, “Of course not, Jack. What’s wrong with it?”   
.
   In the moment, Jack rapidly inhaled but before he could cough up an answer, Kendra continued, “What is wrong with how I cook?”   
.
   “Uh, mom. Calm down (pause).”   
.
   Derrick walked in, “What’s going on in here? Who upset your mother? And, don’t talk to your mother like that, Jack. You shut your mouth, boy.”   
.
   “But I was answering mom,” Jack said looking at his plate, with eyes fully loaded with tears. He continued, “Mom, nothing is wrong with how you cook. It’s just that Gina makes homemade macaroni and cheese; that’s all.” His tears began to jump off his chin and hide in the fabric of his shirt.   
.
   “Well, Jackie, mom works and homemade macaroni and cheese is a no-can-do around here. I can't stay home like Gina who gets to stay home with the baby she had with your dad. I bet that baby does not go without or have to wait like we do."
.
   Alienation was still pounding her thoughts, "He makes sure that baby has everything, but I can’t buy you shoes when you need them, I barely have enough food in the house and I practically support you all by myself. I'm sorry it is so hard,” she cried.
. 
~ ~ ~        Sunday, 10:30 p.m.   
.
   Derrick and Kendra were getting ready for bed. Derrick rolled close to Kendra. While running his fingers through her hair, he inquired, “When do you get the lift tickets for Snow Valley, baby?”    
.
   “I haven’t got the child support check yet. I’ll go when Randy pays me what he owes me…” 
.
Warning: sensitive subject matter follows; you must be 18 to continue.   
.
    “And, baby, when are you going to show Sheryl how to wear make-up? With that hot little body of hers, you are in trouble woman.”   
.
   Her heart jumped, but Kendra shrugged off an inner alarm set when she was young girl as Derrick pulled her close for a kiss…  
.
~ ~ ~ Epilogue:
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Not the most pleasant of subjects alluded to here, but we are increasing awareness to save children and their parents from many controversial or difficult situations. Through conversational research, this mediator found targets of child sex abuse had most often been at the hands of their distracted parent’s partner - either by marriage or cohabitation or by other men who interacted with the family – not the stranger we tend to fear.
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Many targets have suffered with childhood ailments as well as auto-immune disorders in adulthood.  Genetic triggers for chronic ailments and auto-immune disorders are reality, but when the stability of family is compromised and parents become distracted, PTSD - Post-traumatic Stress Disorder* from a form of abuse might be a consideration; please, listen to your children and observe their behavior but do not – you must not for the sake of true victims – use these accusations when they do not apply! It discredits real victims and makes it even more difficult for them to step forward to receive the help needed. If you read it, this is the missing portion of my biography page. I am passionate about the sujects of child sex abuse and alienation because of experience personally and professionally.
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Contact your local Social Services Agencies for resources, further assistance and consider contacting The American Psychological Association to access their therapist list. You might also visit:
 .
http://www.stopitnow.org/
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http://www.ncjrs.gov/App/Publications/abstract.aspx?ID=185950 – awareness is key to prevention
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http://www.divorcereform.org/cor.html#anchor2348930 – correlation rates with other factors
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http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/05/080507132910.htm - after divorce, stable families

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   Sara-Marie Madison Hennesy heard the 3:00 bell. Her classmates were talking about their green-eyed, after-school supervisor. Boys were playing superheroes. Girls with ponytails and braids were clapping and singing, “Say-say oh playmate…”

 

   Her heart began to bounce with joy against her chest. The blond hair on her goose-bump covered arms was kept flat, covered by the pink and white Barbie shirt her dad gave her for her 8^thbirthday; every cell in her body wanted to dash out of the classroom door, but the children had not been dismissed by Mrs. Westel. She knew her kind, dimple-smiled dad would be in the student loading zone because it was Wednesday!

 

   It had been their Wednesday routine for two years. Sara-Marie and her dad went to Mc Donald’s. She ordered a McNugget meal with an orange drink. Her dad ordered a Big Mac, extra large french fries (which they enjoyed sharing - and pulling fries out at the same time to see who would get the best one!) and a vanilla shake; she always got the first taste by pulling the straw with song from its cup to lick the sides and an inhale to suck out its content. She would always replace the straw with its paper hat tip with a smile and, “I love you, daddy.”

 

   Today was different. Karen, Sara-Marie’s mother, and her boyfriend were standing in the hallway, right outside her classroom door. As Sara-Marie turned right to go greet her dad, Karen chirped, “Oh, no – not today Sara-Marie. You are coming with Bill and mommy. We are going to register you for Girl Scouts!”

 

   “But I can do that tomorrow,” whined Sara-Marie.

 

   “No, we are doing it today. Besides, Bill took the afternoon off work so we could go to Mc Donald’s afterward. How does that sound?”

 

   “But this is daddy’s day. I want to go see daddy.”

 

   “Sara-Marie Madison, I told you what we are going to do. Isn’t it nice that Bill wants to go with us today?”

 

   “But daddy is here, I know it. Let me go find him,” whimpered Sara as her shoulders rounded down and her countenance fell low.

 

   “I already talked to him, Sara-Marie. He will see you next week.”

 

   “You told me that last week and the week before I think. Doesn’t daddy remember? Why can’t I just go with daddy and do Girl Scouts tomorrow?” pleaded Sara as she was taken by the hand - exit stage left.

 ~ ~ ~ 

   Keith finished up his cigarette, threw the butt of it down and stepped on it. He stuffed the last bite of his Big Mac in his mouth, opened the truck’s door and reached in to place his Mc Donald’s soda cup in the holder and headed home. 30 minutes into the drive home, he pulled over and dialed Karen’s number hoping not to get the message to leave a message again. However, that was his fate. While he was saying he would like to talk to Sara-Marie, his phone signaled a call was waiting.

 

   Quickly, he switched the line hoping it was Sara-Marie but it was his dad, “Hi son. How was your daddy-daughter date this week?”

 

   “Not great, dad. On my way here Karen called and said she had an appointment Sara-Marie could not miss. She is long overdue for the dentist,” Keith said sorrowfully. “I offered to meet her at the office after I fixed Robin’s flat tire, but she said that would not be necessary for this one.”

 ~ ~ ~ 

   As Sara-Marie picked up her extra nuggets to take home, she uttered, “I miss daddy.”

 

   Alienation returned, entering Karen’s mind unnoticed by her. He thrust Anger and Lies into her unconscious fears; they called for Bitterness and Hatred to join them. Without thinking about the activity in her mind, she kneeled before daughter and handed her the remainder of her drink, saying, “Daddies just have things that are more important sometimes, Sara-Marie. Your dad and his new girlfriend could not get here in time today which is why Bill and I wanted to spend time with you and cheer up your sad heart...”

 

~ ~ ~ For this Epilogue, you will need coffee or a coke:

   Are you aware of the parental alienation syndrome (PAS) controversy? Those who have lived through damaged and lost years of their children's childhood, and today have weak or non-existent relationships with their adult-children (and frequently their grandchildren, too), and those presently suffering through it, will firmly tell you it exists.
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   The matter of alienation is complex. Along with others, I am pleased to be a co-laborer with in the field of stepfamily support and working to increase awareness about the damaging effects of alienation behaviors. I have been trying to connect the dots for two decades as an independent  researcher since 1986, and since 1998 as one having earned certification in divorce medation from among American Bar Association recognized, Forrest "Woody" Mosten (Los Angeles, CA),
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   When I presented the first two "Stepping In for Successful Blended Family Living" six-week series in 1990, many parents attending were experiencing the battle without a name or a diagnostic code. Those being methodically distanced from having sound relationships with their children after separation or divorce were feeling tremendous pain and frustration. 
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   The writers of A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles attempt to write in a manner that surrounds allmaspects of single parenthood, marriage, divorce and remarriage. We tackle the post-divorce adjustment, dating, remarriage and shared parenting in stepfamily holds and between the children's two homes. All the writers have worn stepchildren's shoes, four are biological moms and stepmothers, too. The research history coupled with experience is what accounts for the interest in the A Richter Blend, Stepfamily Chronicles series and this Q & A blog. Our writing attempts to expand perspectives in a manner not based solely on opinion or a single facet of experience.
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   Quite simply, alienating parents are emotionally abusing their children and frequently robbing them of meeting their best academic potential. Children might filltheir classroom seats but their minds are far from focusing on their education. Many enter the classroom with the argument of their parents/stepparents fresh on their minds. They wonder where they will stay next weekend - mom's house, dad's house, grandma/grandpa's house or at the home or apartment of their parents' boyfriend/girlfriend. Many wonder if they will have to stave off inappropriate comments and behaviors unseen or overlooked by their distracted and often overwhelmed parent. Will their non-custodial parent allow for weekend sports? Will they ask to attend their friend's birthday party, or will a fight result? 
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   We are writing to reveal the unseen battles of shared parenting - the cognitive battle and how thoughts relate to behavior choices. We have lived it, researched it, heard many personal stories through the years and taught about it. Don't miss our next Shared Parenting Conference on August 14 at the Ayers Hotel in Costa Mesa, Calif. where we will also be providing an update on the Stepfamily Satisfaction and Parential Alienation Experience Survey Project.
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   The statistical data resulting from the survey we hope will continue to build the case against parental alienation syndrome and is the primary and possibly only way we are going to be able to continue to nail down the controversy and effect greater change in legislation and mental health codes to deter the emotional and academic damages it thrusts upon children and target-parents. To participate in the momentous study, it is the 3rd option on the menu bar to the left, or link directly: http://stepfamilysystems.com/id1.html.
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   This survey project needs 10,000 survey responders to be viewed as credible, with the lowest percent margin for error once research methods are applied. We have been told it will take years to get the 10,000 surveys. Oh, really? Maybe. Once people understand the information is going to produce statistical data for a report going to the legal, academic and mental health fields where it cannot be ignored, we hope they will not pass the opportunity to be heard and taken seriously. Now is the time. We have the vehicle. It is time to drive it home! Please, join the Stepfamily Satisfaction and Parental Alienation Survey Project to provide the statistical data required to effect change for our children and our grandchildren together: http://stepfamilysystems.com/id1.html

~~~
   Lastly, do you know someone practicing alienating behaviors? Imagine how the children would feel if their alienating parent should suddenly perish and they would be left to live with the target-parent? Who would not want to run away from that fate? How are the children to allow themselves to trust or be comforted by a belittled or demonized parent after the stake of alienation has methodically crushed their belief in and love for their other parent and the other significant relationships such as  grandparents? What are the long-term effects of being subtly programmed to feel abandoned or unwanted by the missing parent? What then? What then ...   
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   When the child takes the attitude of bitterness to the other parent's home, what then? Has he not been set up for difficulty - to receive consequences and not rewards? To face resentment and not be embraced? Has she not been set up to fear and not to give or receive love? Has bitterness not been sown into the heart of a child? Is it not better to see additional adults as complementary and not competitive roles in children's lives?  
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   How does all of this emotional distraction translate into academic neglect which robs him or her of adult prosperity, too? What about a decreased sense of value in the child - how will they try to make up for it or escape the void in their lives? Will they not fill it with something else - chip-on-the-shoulder attitude, alcohol, drugs, sex, and babies? What then?
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    Researchers, parents, stepparents and grandparents, therapists, mediators, judges, attorneys, coaches, authors, social workers, educators and chat-room/website moderators can come together collaboratively advancing the likelihood for real improvement with the Stepfamily Satisfaction and Parental Alienation Survey Project to effect change with the frontline of current information and statistical data.
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___ Whatever your position, please, share the survey link: http://stepfamilysystems.com/id1.html and help decrease and cease Parental Alienation behaviors.
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   Braided Family Point: Are not the children of Christian faith based families caught in the alienation process being taught to disrespect the fifth commandment of God? And are not those children being robbed of the fruit of the word of God which evidences with obedience comes blessing?
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Check the StepfamilySystems.com Resource page for additional resources.
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Another link for information: http://www.education.mcgill.ca/pain/

     (c) 2010 StepfamilySystems.com, excerpt from February's Family Focal Points Corner Journal:  Let me preface this with the fact that there are wonderful parents and stepparents out there, just as there are bitter and malicious parents and stepparents out there reading our website content. It is our hope you take away one thing weekly and apply it. If it takes longer than a week to master a change, a new skill or perspective, persevere! We never aim for anyone to carry a burden not being cast upon them. If you find yourself in our true-to-life situations, take the power that is yours, through the choices you make, and create the future that benefits your children. It will reduce your stress and increase your peace. 

     After the kids left with Shawna's husband, Dave, Reality spoke out loud, "I don't feel the love yet. What is wrong with this picture? What is wrong with me? Where are my maternal instincts?"

     "They don't love you either," whispered Doubt.

     'And, their mother despises you for stepping in, mothering her kids," added Warfare.

     Shawna dropped her head into her slippery hands. She had been cleaning up the liquid from the spilled bubble bottle; it had been knocked over while suitcases and backpacks were going down the porch steps with the kids who were having a good time chasing their dad. It was Sunday and she was tired. The boys had been especially wound up this weekend. Dave had added to the household by buying a dog for the family a month ago.  Shawna, however, was the official pooper-scooper, feeder and groomer. 

     "How long do you think you will have to be their maid before you get a thank you from their mother for all you do?" Warfare taunted. He could feel Shawna's exhale and the tears running down her cheeks. He continued, "Dave did not even notice your hard work this weekend. He is taking it all for granted... "

~ ~ ~

     Dave was feeling his heart beat against his chest. Time was running against him. Traffic was heavy, the boys were sleeping and he was wondering what, or who, would be waiting for him when he dropped off the boys. Would Carnie have her boyfriend standing at the door again with his legs in a sturdy military stance? Would he demand the child support be paid in cash again? Would his daughter be pushed back inside when she tried to come out to say goodbye like last time? 

~ ~ ~

     Carnie was pacing the kitchen floor, looking at her watch every few seconds. "I hate it when he is late! I totally hate it. He never thinks about what I have to do once the kids get back. I have to switch their thoughts to the school week and get them to finish homework." 

     Alan, Carnie's boyfriend, joined her in the kitchen, "You would think he could leave on time for a change. But, he only thinks of himself. You know that by now. He needs his butt kicked. If he calls, I will get the phone."

~ ~ ~

     David Jr. kept his eyes shut. He had made the drive for several years between his parents' houses. By the turns and sounds of the road, he had a strong sense of where he was in the trek home without looking. A tear crept out of his right eye and slid quietly down his cheek. He was nervous about Alan and dad meeting again. . .

~ ~ ~

     Walking through the den, Shawna discovers David Jr.'s notebook. Warfare stepped right in, saying, "That's right, Shawna, look at that trouble on the coffee table. Carnie will be calling you any second."

     "What will Jr. do in class tomorrow? Get in trouble again? Get another "F" for failure to turn in another assignment?" chided Failure.

     "I don't know how to make everyone responsible! I can't be everyone's brain. This is not my fault. Although, if I had looked around a little more, I probably would have seen it. Dave and the boys were having fun and I knew they were all distracted. . ."

     "When was the last time Dave brought flowers home? He doesn't think of you like he used to. Think of how it used to be and what it's like now. All this stress - you need to get away," Separation uttered.
     
     
~ ~ ~

     How much consideration have you given to who is responsible for what goes wrong? Even more, how much joy have you savored for what goes well and is adding to the lives of the children who are on the field of the Choices made by their parents and stepparents? When you make their environment safe and sure, you are subverting a controllable portion of future rebellion and pain.

     How much consideration have you given to the realities of your situation vs. your fears? After reading Dave and Shawna's, Alan and Carnie's situation, what are your thoughts?

     Dave had to face traffic every other weekend to both pick up and drop off his children. He savored every moment he could get with his children. Give or take a half-hour for life's standard interferences should not be a big deal. A courtesy call would be appropriate and he has done so in times past. However, making the call seemed like it would invite more trouble than just getting the kids home late. Facing one inevitable confrontation is better than two; why have one on the phone, too? Carnie did not have a truly supportive voice in her kitchen, and, Shawna was letting her thoughts lead her mind places that were not conducive to staying married. What would the classroom experience be for Jr. Monday morning without his homework and having a fresh memories of his parents fighting running through his head?

     March 30 special posting, another excerpt from Step Family Focal Points, When Alienation Speaks.

     Send your thoughts and insights to: ResearchResponse@StepfamilySystems.com Shared parenting mindsets and perspectives are part of the Stepfamily Satisfaction and Parental Alienation Survey project and will be discussed at the Shared Parenting Conference. No identifying information will be reported.     

    

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My name is Franklin Anonymous. I am a father and a stepfather, and I needed help, but I did not want anyone to know I was struggling so I suffered in silence for a long time.  My first wife remarried before me and I felt pushed aside as my sons’ stepfather stepped into the role that was mine. I hated that he was getting to be part of their daily lives while I was a phone-in father. He was driving them to school before work, getting them Mc Donald’s meals like I did. He was going to the baseball field and talking to teachers. At first, it felt like my former wife instantly tried to minimize my relationship with our boys and emphasized the importance of their stepdad. During planning, I realized I had jumped to a wrong conclusion. I had been overly sensitive to the daily loss of seeing my sons and the reality was she was afraid they would not listen to their stepdad if I was kept in the loop. We all had fears running amuck we had not discovered through our bickering. 
 

Talking is something you find in the Women’s department, isn’t it?  Men, we just go with the punches of life, more or less. After all, we know what dads do, don’t we? They work all day to bring home the bacon. Usually, the Mrs. cooks it and the kids eat it all. Dads are good for throwing baseballs and fixing broken bikes. Dads are good for late night arrivals when the boys stay out too late. However, talking and getting in touch with our emotions are not options readily found in the Men’s department.

 

Jill, my present wife and love of my life, and I have five sons and one, precious daughter. The boys like to call me “Frankfarter” for a laugh. I am okay with it as long as they use some discretion, like, not at a restaurant. I have two sons who are 17 and 20. The 20 year old lives with us and the 17-year-old lives with his mother. My wife had three boys when we got married. They are 14, 12 and 7. We have one child together. Her name is Brooklyn Dawn. She is a honeymoon child born nine months and 4 days after our wedding. Almost 3 years old now, all of her brothers adore her - most of the time!  I might add she is the family unifier. Our family is spread out, spanning five households - our family, Jill's former husband, my former wife and each of their new spouses families' influences. Simple does not describe a single holiday.

 

Before Brooklyn came along, Cory had a hard time listening to me. He is the 14 year old. Now he says any guy who will change a poopy diaper and let his mom get some rest is okay. His father, who I will call Aaron, is pretty rigid and would seldom acknowledge my wife’s needs during their marriage. During our dual-household SAM Planning with StepfamilySystems.com, Aaron and I learned to view one another similarly to PTA or Scouting parents. We have shared responsibilities where the children are concerned; that’s the way it is after divorce. When we get irritated about something, we think about what we want to say first (easier said than done in the beginning because we were operating on assumptions). Typically, [as PTA parents or Scout leaders] we would not go up to another parent in front of the boys and start unloading our anger. No, we would be more diplomatic about our differences to reach a resolution.

 

Despite our personality differences, Aaron and I have forged a friendship much easier than mothers and stepmothers, at least that is how it seems to us. We do not operate so much on how we feel. Our emotions just don’t flood the surface like I hear is the case with women. I know Aaron as my wife’s former husband and he knows I am her present (and last) husband. We have never really talked about what went on in their relationship, not even during SAM Planning where I thought everything was going to be put on the table. Our planning E-Assistant said planning is accomplished on a customized foundation, but it was not necessary for me to know Aaron's perspective [about his past with Jill]  to accomplish our planning goals -  not at this time, at least. Furthermore, we need to acknowledge each other's role as it relates to the boys - not to Jill.

 

Aaron and I learned early on that our households have different approaches to most things. Our core values, however, are pretty near the same. With that discovery, we established how we would co-conduct shared-parenting so that the kids would experience the least amount of inconsistencies or competitive parenting while enjoying the different styles of each home. (For our blended family, there are five households of influence. That is a long way from one household for a traditional family, isn’t it?) We are helping the kids adapt to parenting styles.

 

I have experienced a lot with stepfamilies. My father died when I was a boy. A couple years later my mother remarried. I eventually chose to call my stepdad “dad”, too, but I know others who have other terms of endearment, like "uncle" or "pops" or "dad-Hal". The shoes for stepfathers are seldom worn without the discomfort of blisters every now and then. Eventually, we stopped irritating each other [parents and stepparents]  but it took having a plan. It helped to reduce the rate of fpw – fights per week which then lead to improved satisfaction at and between households. I encourage you to hang in there, but not by the skin of your teeth as my Arkansas-born mom would say. You have to hold on for the ride of your life.
 
As an adult leading a stepfamily, you will increase your chance to succeed by having access to your personal coach, a SAM Plan to which all eyes can turn, 24/7.  ~ Tricia